Diary of a Dark Lord
by Princess of Ithilien
Summary: Take a peek into the mind of our favorite evil Lord, Darth Vader, as you read through his entries. R&R NEW SIXTEENTH CHAPTER
1. Chapter 1

Yes, another "Diary of Darth Vader". This was not my original idea(though maybe, once upon a time in my subconscious, I thought of it without knowing I was thinking of it) but I am doing my own version, but I will not fail to credit the original people, as Jandalf the Orange made one that I believe was done by people on the message boards, so those people actually did it first, this is just my own version. **By the way, this will not contain a lot of information about where he is when he is writing, as I didn't want to waste my precious time on those little details. Does follow the original story some, but not a lot. For instance, most of the time the Emperor is around Vader, not somewhere else, so yeah...**

Disclaimer: (Have to make a formal one) Not my idea, the entries are, but not the idea. I also don't own Vader(But I want his cape! His cape rocks!) and, unfortunately, Star Wars is not mine either. If it was, I would DEFINITELY have hired somebody different to write the scripts for Episodes I, II, and III.

**Diary of a Dark Lord**

Dear Diary,

Today the Emperor suggested I take up an instrument to fill my free time, instead of force-choking those who cause me to become a bit miffed. I originally disagreed, but maybe there is an instrument that will not make me take my mask off. Without my scary breathing sounds, nobody will feel intimidated, and I live for the looks of fear and terror on those puny little faces!

Vader

Dear Diary,

Have given up trying to find an instrument that does not cause me to remove my wonderful mask and respirator. The Emperor suggested the piano, but when I tried to play one of the easy songs(Dare I say the title? Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, very fitting while watching all the stars, I thought) I found it extremely difficult to move my hands because of my gloves, and I can't let anyone see my ghostly white flesh! They might laugh.

Love,

Darth Vader.

Dear Diary,

Have begun to wonder what 'Darth' actually means. Besides sounding very cool and evil, what is the point of it? Almost question my Master about it, but seeing as he had just had the cafeteria's chicken casserole, decided against it. Not even he is sure what they put into that stuff, but I'm pretty sure I saw one of the cooks rummaging around in a garbage chute one day. Can't be to careful. I am sticking to an all-organic diet that Palpatine suggested to me. I have noticed I've begun to be a bit chunky, and my suit is rather hard to get into in the mornings.

Yours,

Lord Vader

Dear Diary,

I have decided to try out a new title. Instead of 'Darth' Vader, I am going by 'The' Vader. It is much more empowering, I think. After all, Palpatine gets to be 'The' Emperor.

Powerfully yours,

THE Vader

Dearest Diary,

Have changed back to 'Darth' after several storm troopers snickered when addressing me. Have threatened to force-choke them but I worry. Fear is power! Must have power! Also did a little saber practice today with a few of the prisoners. It was quite fun, but I somehow managed to keep from killing them. Resorted to just singing their hair and burning their fingers.

Evilly,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Captured a Princess today. She looked strangely familiar, but I just can't put my gloved finger on it. Speaking of my gloves, I found a hole in one of them! Had to do a quick job of stitching it up myself, stabbed myself 8 times, so now my finger has these weirdly cool holes in it. Bad news: The stitches came out and I have to have a new one made, but since I am having one new one made, I decided to just get a new pair, so now I have to go around with both of my hands in my pockets or wrapped up in the folds of my cape. Most people are looking at me strangely, and I discovered something new: I can force-choke people with_out _putting my hand out! So I force-choked two people as a warning to the rest of them, and they just stood there with their mouths hanging open, staring, because I had force-choked WITHOUT showing them my hand! Which is just a cool fact that I have to keep repeating to myself! Anyway, I get to interrogate the Princess, which is very exciting because I haven't done anything fun in quite a while.

Ani

Note to Self: Never call yourself Ani ever again. BEWARE THE MEMORIES!

Dear Diary,

Had a bad mishap today while getting my lunch. One of the lowly employees(I sometimes wonder if we pay them TOO much) had just mopped the floor but failed to set up the 'wet floor' sign, so I slipped on the way back to my room. To make matters work, he was using a bleach concoction so there is a huge roundish spot of white on the back of my cape!. Have already force-choked those who have begun to call me 'Darth Dot' but I think there are more of them. Must have a new cape made because my extra is in the wash, and it takes them 2 weeks to clean it properly, so until then, I am staying in my quarters, which means I can't interrogate the Princess until tomorrow, but I suppose I'll have to deal with it. Got my new gloves today! They are nice and warm.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Got to question the Princess today. Didn't get any answers, just screams and looks of pain, but that was to be enjoyed anyway.

Vader The Evil One

Dear Diary,

Killed Obi-Wan today and caught a glimpse of my son. He's sure a skimpy little thing. Better get some meat on his bones if he is to join me on the Dark Side. My new cape is working out just fine, and destroying my old master once and for all has gained me some much-needed respect after the bleach incident. Am trying to find a new name for my son. 'Luke' is much too weak. Of course, I must convince him to turn to evil. After all, he helped the Princess escape today, which really ticked me off. Will ask the Emperor for ideas on the name.

Darth Vader, formally Anakin

Dear Diary,

Palpatine had no good ideas, which surprised me. Am thinking of 'Lord--something' until he is evil and powerful enough to be dubbed a 'Darth' but have not really come up with anything.

Anakin

Dear Diary,

Had the strangest dream. I actually had HAIR, which is the only good part. The rest of it was all light and fluffy, and I was running in a field. Happy like it was back when I was a 'good' person. Force-choked several troopers to ensure myself of my evilness.

Vader. _Darth _Vader.

Note to Self: Must cut down on the James Bond movies.

Dear Diary,

Had mexican food today. Dipped a chip into the salsa, only to find out that it was spoiled! Took some gulps of milk, but the milk was rotten! Force-choked the entire cafeteria staff and got some new employees, but I am still worried about becoming sick. My stomach feels a bit queasy.

Sickly yours,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Found a sewage leak this morning. Turns out it had been dripping into my room all through the night! Even on my bed, so my clothes smell terrible and had to be thrown away. Good thing that my other set of clothes(including new cape and gloves!) had just come out of the wash, so I can wear them while yet _another _set of clothes is made. I have to have at least two, but the Emperor is angry because the material I have my suits made out of is expensive. (Cotton, spandex and polyester.) Its only expensive because he insists that they make it 'fresh' for me. I would settle for stuff that had already been made up, but Palpatine insists on watching the proceedings himself. He's so demanding! The worst news is that the machines have been malfunctioning so it might be awhile before I have a spare suit, since my other has completely sucked up the bad smell and the washers say it will never go away. Maybe it can be fashioned into a uniform for Tarkin, and improve his foul stench.(Yes, he smells worse than sewage!)

Anyway, my quarters are being cleaned so I have to room with Palpie for a week. Horrible. He snores, I'm absolutely sure of it! At least a spare bed can be placed at the other end of the room, and with my mask and extra blankets and pillows, its possible that his snoring will be blocked out. On the plus side, I am not going to be sick because of the rotten food!

Yours,

DV

Dear Diary,

Made a list of my hobbies today for no real reason. I was bored. So here it is:

1. Force-choking people.

2. Force-choking people with hand.

3. Force-choking people without hand.

Okay, so the whole list is force-choking people! Give me a break! What's a Dark Lord to do all day? Remember things? I don't dare. I always have to keep myself busy so that the memories can't come back.

I once was Anakin...now I am Vader.

Dear Diary,

Arrived at Cloud City today. It's so pretty here. But its so _white. _At least I contrast with my wonderful black suit. Found a brand new kind of nutri-shake that makes my breathing extra-heavy. Its probably because its very thick and syrup-like, and it coats my throat so that I cough a lot, and then when I breath its just heavier. I tried talking without my respirator yesterday, and my voice was extra deep, so I think I'll just keep drinking the new shake to instill even more fear in...well, everybody!

Vader

Dear Diary,

Froze Captain Solo in carbonite today. Loved the look of horror on Princess Leia's face. But the face is so familiar...Had a dream last night were her face and the face of...dare I say her name? Padme were side by side. Perhaps there is some connection? I have no idea, I'm so confused. I think that this new medication I'm taking is going to my head, so I burned it all up with my lightsaber and then put it in a nice little drink for some of my officers.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Accidentally cut off my son's hand today. Finally he can follow me in becoming mostly mechanical! We finally have a father/son bond! I'm so happy, I almost let myself cry. But crying is for weaklings, so I force-choked someone instead. I didn't know I could be evil and happy at the same time!

DV

Dear Diary,

The Emperor said I should start using force-lightning all the time. But I don't like it, because it ruins my gloves _and _hurts my eyes, even though my mask is sort of a shade. Took off my gloves and burned his favorite lamp to show him that I could use it, then walked away. But then I had to turn around and retrieve my gloves, so that ruined my oh-so-cool way of leaving. Darn it! Still, it worked to some effect, as he suggested later on that I stick with force-choking. I am glad I had a chance to burn his lamp, though. I hated that lamp, even more than I hate everything else.

Hatefully yours,

VADER

Dear Diary,

I had bad heartburn last night, and we were all out of Tums! So I got no sleep and now I am yawning quite a lot. But, through my respirator, it sounds very...loud. Which means I can't sneak up on anyone and scare them to death, and watch their eyes go wide and their faces get pale. Oh well, tonight I am going to bed early.

A very tired Vader

Dear Diary,

Found a mysterious package this morning. It had my name on it. Had an unsuspecting storm trooper open it for me, and it turns out it was a basket of assorted soaps! Burned it on the spot and force-choked all the officers that really don't like me. But that was every one of them, so now I must suffer through interviews because the Emperor says its my fault.

DV

Dear Diary,

The interviews are not going well. Today somebody came in wearing a suit exactly like mine! I took care of him, though. I mean, if something like that got out, it would completely ruin my publicity! Next thing you know, they would be making Darth Vader costumes and people would be buying them by the dozen, and then you would see a "Vader" everywhere you went, and no one would be afraid of me anymore! And I must have the intimidation factor!

Vader

A/N: Hopefully you enjoyed it, I might continue if I get good feedback!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: And I finally get around to putting up another chapter! All my reviewers have my sincerest apologies that it took so long.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars

**Answers to Reviewers:**

**KTfanfic and Loke Groundrunner: **Very glad that you enjoyed it!

**darth mojo the spork: **Its not exactly a parody, though I do add in some parts from the movies and just describe his thoughts.

**lazy.kender: **I laughed even as I wrote it! And here is your update!

**Felarof: **Thank you so much for the cupcakes! They made me happy, and hyper!

**LadyArian: **Thank you for your comments! Yes, well, once I get an idea in my head, I go at it full force, and I'm glad you found it interesting!

**Diary of a Dark Lord-Part Two**

Dear Diary,

Today I found two officers that could run things, and then I hired someone else to do the interviews for me. Hopefully Palpie won't find out. To top it all off, I caught a cold, so now I keep sneezing and then I have to go to the bathroom and clean out the inside of my mask, so I have spent the majority of my time in the bathroom, and I am getting strange looks from my new officers, but they witnessed me force-choking one of the kitchen employees earlier today, and so they haven't said anything. As to why I killed one of the kitchen employees, I found a _bug _in my oatmeal this morning. And I just _know _that it didn't get there by accident!

Darth Vadie

Dear Diary,

I found some cough drops so that my throat will stop hurting, but they have such a nasty flavor! It is truly too awful to describe. On the up side, I finally have my full amount of officers again, and today I gave them all a briefing, explaining quite clearly what ticks me off and why I force-choke people so that they won't make any mistakes, because the whole interviewing process is so 'yesterday' and I don't want to go through it again.

Love

Vadie!

Dear Diary,

My cold is finally gone, but now we have another problem. And since I have to keep cleaning up after Palpie's mistakes, I have to fix it. Anyway, it seems that some of the troops got ahold of some pictures of Paplie when he was a baby(I saw one of them. He was _ugly!_ If he was truly as smart as me, he would have burned them all long ago.) and made them into posters, and they are hung all over the place. And the Emperor wants _me _to go around and destroy them all. What am I, his maid? And, in the heat of my anger, I went and found an apron and one of those little dusters-on-a-stick and went back to him, telling him that if he wanted me to be his maid, I was going to dress like one. The old man nearly had a heart attack right then and there(I'm starting to wish he had actually had one, and died, too) and got someone else to do it instead. So while I am now quite satisfied that I proved my point, I think someone got a picture of me in that apron, and I'm not sure who. I worry.

Vader

Dear Diary,

My officers truly do _not _know what death threats are! I told them that if they ever went into my quarters I would kill them so dead that they could never even be zombies. Looking back on it, I realize it didn't really make sense, but oh well. The point is, they re-decorated my room! I was perfectly content with having black everything-it matches my evil nature-but they obviously didn't think I was satisfied, because they started by bleaching the walls. Then they all picked a section and painted whatever they wanted on, while some others ripped up my sheets. As to the paintings on the wall, one bothered me extremely: It had a likeness of me(A very bad one, might I add) with my head chopped off. Am still searching for the painter of that one. However, it was very easy to acquire new sheets and, little did they know, black covers EVERYTHING, so I just repainted the walls black.

Love,

Darth VADER

Dear Diary,

I am going through a serious withdrawal. I have not force-choked anyone in the past two hours. I hope this doesn't mean I am addicted, but my left eye has started twitching violently, and I have become pale(if one already ghostly white can become pale, that is) It was all the Emperor's idea. He suggested I cut down to better myself, lest I ever come to the situation where I could not force-choke anyone. I was reluctant, but finally agreed. And now I realize it for what it is: a simple plot so that the Emperor can sit in the hot tub and watch the Superbowl! I must get out and kill someone...must...get...out...

Twitchingly yours,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Today it hit me like a poke in the eye: tomorrow is my birthday! Strange, I don't even remember how old I am. You forget these things over the year. Speaking of which, I wonder how old Palpatine is. I mean, he is darn ugly. I used to be handsome. I had HAIR. Curly hair. Ack! What am I thinking! Must go kill someone, because I can't be starting to_ remember _things! Because that would lead to thoughts and thoughts always lead to...HER. I don't dare say her name, because I have been writing it too often.

MUST KILL SOMEONE!

Darth Ani

Dear Diary,

I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead. Every single one of them! Oh yesss...they are dead! Hahahahahahahaa! I killed them! Ha!

DV

Dear Diary,

I have just come from a meeting with a psychiatrist. He told me I am insane. Completely. And very evil, too. Well, I took care of _him. _I am not very evil. I am TREMENDOUSLY EVIL! YES! So, anyway, must go to tea with Palpie. I don't drink any of it, but he does. I don't take my mask off even in front of him. Of course, compared to how ugly the Emperor is, I am just plain good-looking.

Darth V

Dear Diary,

On a whim I picked up a book today. And I _opened _it. And, you'll never believe this: I _read _it! Well, the first sentence, anyway. I didn't even know I remembered how to read. When you are as evil and powerful as I am, you have people to read things for you. But I could never read it all the way through. I barely finished the sentence, before my eyes started watering. I mean, you have to really strain your eyes to see letters through the dark of this helmet!

On a better point, I am considering taking a vacation to get away from things, relax, and forget. But there is no where for me to go. I can't go anywhere where memories would come up, and we are enemies with a lot of the peaceful planets, and there is no way I can go back to the sand. Its so coarse...and rough...and irritating...And it gets everywhere, including in my respirator.

Stressfully yours,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

I created a nice little room for me to go when I need to think. It has a nice heated pool, and no windows, and only I can get in. I also has a bar for when I need to forget things, if you catch my point. Corellian ale is wonderful for forgetting things.

Happily yours,

Vader.

WAIT, NO NO NO NO NO! I CAN'T BE HAPPY! I AM EVIL!

Evilly yours,

Vader.

Dear Diary,

Can't say anything about today.

DV

Note to self: Never use Ed's Dry Cleaning again.

A/N: This is shorter than the first chapter, but I hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless. I don't think it was as funny as the last chapter either, but I had a few ideas and needed to get them typed out before I forgot them, so here ya go!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Back again! So sorry that it has been so long since I've updated, but our family is going through some really stressful times, so I haven't really had time. But here we go!

Dear Diary,

Well, I must confess that I have done something. Something horrible. I mean, I can't even BELIEVE that I did this. One of the troops brought me my coffee this morning...and...and I..I...I said 'Thank you'. I'M RUINED! Why? How could I have done something so terrible? After I realized what I had done, I had to go and hunt him down. I could only find what barracks or whatever he was in, and all those clones look the same, so I had to force-choke them all. And that felt GOOD. I am still a little disturbed, however, by my being nice. I mean, honestly, what is wrong with me?

Vader

Dear Diary,

Lunch was disgusting today. I'm not even sure what it was, but it tasted disgusting. Later I found out why: Palpie had been experimenting in the kitchen again. I've told him over and over and over again that he was not destined to be a cook, but he won't listen to me. Whenever I tell him that he goes away muttering about how 'in his day' he was a good cook, or something like that. I wonder whether he has gone quite coo coo in the head, or what, but I can't ask him. I'd be fired. I love my job! Even though I don't do much other than force-choke people. Oh well.

Darth Vadie

Dear Diary,

The Emperor announced that today is 'Darth Vader Appreciation' day, and so today is a wonderful day! Well, except for when one of my officers gave me a rubber ducky as a present. I embarassed myself by asking him did he think I looked like the kind of person who played with a rubber ducky, and he nodded, so, of course, I killed him. And everyone who laughed. I hate it when people laugh at me.

Vader

P.S. Just between you and me I keep the rubber ducky in my bathroom. It's so cute!

Dear Diary,

I was polishing my mask today when I realized that I look WAY older than I am. I'm only like forty...I think...and I look like I've been dead for 100 years! I've looked into some of those brochures and stuff that Palpie keeps in his room, and this thing called 'Botox' is supposed to make you look younger. I'm considering it...

Darth Anakin

Dear Diary,

Well, I am NEVER doing Botox again! I had it done the other day(and, of course, I killed the person who did it, as he got a look at my face, and then I stole my money back) and my face was so stiff. It was like cardboard. Well, stiffer than cardboard. And it hurt! And I couldn't eat for like four hours. And then I passed out.(I'm still not sure why) Anyway, Botox is on the list of things I shall forever destroy when I become ruler of the universe.

POWERFULLY YOURS,

DARTH VADER

Dear Diary,

I feel so depressed today. I'm not sure why. I've just been thinking about how good it felt to be a good person, and to do good things. And I've been thinking about HER...And my son. Sometimes I wonder if he's actually MINE, because he's so...GOOD. I mean, at times I wasn't with Padme a lot...and Luke should have some measure of evil in him. At least half, I should say.

Vady

Dear Diary,

My bout of depression is over! I can't even BELIEVE I was thinking those things. I mean, really, I love being evil. Evilness(not a word.) is awesome! I love killing people! And I am starting to think that I am addicted to force-choking people. Which is bad, I grant you, but it is better than doing drugs, isn't it?

Addictively yours,

Darth Ani

Note to Self: Once you have finished all the pages in this diary you need to BURN it, because you have called yourself Ani TWICE.

Note to Self #2: Never call yourself Ani again.

Dear Diary,

Today I did some lightsaber excercises. I decided I was getting too lazy, just force-choking people all the time. I had to do some repairs, though. My not using it as often as I should messed something up.

Vadie-pie

Dear Diary,

I have decided to try and make up some titles for myself. I mean, Darth Vader is evil, I grant you, but I was thinking something more like 'Darth Vader, The Devillishly Handsome Rogue King' or something.

Darth Vader, The Devillishly Handsome Rogue King

Dear Diary,

I have compiled a list of titles, and later I shall choose which I like the best:

Darth Vader, The Devillishly Handsome Rogue King

Darth Vader, The Most Powerful Evil Person That Ever Lived

Darth Vader, The Evil Ruler Of The Universe

Darth Vader, The One Who Is Way More Evil And Powerful Than That Puny Emperor

I still have to choose between them all, but I must say, I like that last one very well.

D.V.

Dear Diary,

Have decided against the title, because it takes too much time to write, but if I were going to go to all that trouble, it would have been either the first or the last one.

Well, what can I say about today. I had to choke half of the kitchen staff. You'd think that they could get something as simple as chocolate chip Mickey Mouse pancakes right. But nooo.. What do they send me? Orange flavored Donald Duck pancakes! Can you believe it! I took it as a personal insult.

Darth Vader,(who does NOT eat orange flavored Donal Duck pancakes!)

Dear Diary,

I was filling out a form for life insurance, and it asked for a description of myself combined with a description of my profession, and it took me a while to describe both myself and my job:

Evil lord, the one and ONLY Darth Vader, the one who will take over the world, the one who will someday kill Palpatine, the one who loves to be evil, expert force-choker, master of the lightsaber, evil guy, one who hates all good things, and did I mention evil?

Or something like that. I'm paraphrasing, you understand.

The Very Very Very Very Very Very evil Darth Vader

A/N: Well, that's all for right now. Review!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I know, its been a while, but it has not been nearly so long as it usually is.

Disclaimer: Star Wars is not mine, blah blah blah.

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up to something extremely strange that made me remember a ton of stuff. I woke up, looked in the mirror(for some reason I took off my mask last night) and there was a PIMPLE on my chin! Oh, it was disgusting! It reminded me of the time I first got a pimple. I was twelve, and Obi-Wan SINGED it off with his lightsaber. I never forgave him for that, but I singed his entire body with MINE, so ha!

Vader

P.S. I put some cream on the pimple.

Dear Diary,

My pimple went away, and I am extremely glad, for it was a big nasty red thing against my white skin. I mean, it was like my teenage years all over again! And those are BAD memories, let me tell you. I mean, I was all fluffy and happy and...GAH! Must go kill something.

VADER

Dear Diary,

Well, earlier today I got my force choking fix by taking care of all of our prisoners. Palpie found out, though, and I got a scolding. What is this week supposed to be, 'Remind Vader of his past' week or something? I swear, it is a conspiracy. Someone is trying to remind me of all those happy times...gosh, I hate that word. When I rule the universe, no one shall EVER use that word. Ever.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Today was Palpatine's birthday. I tried to get him to tell me how old he is, but instead, he just zapped with with force lightning. I dodged it, being as wonderfully good at knowing when those things are going to happen as I am. Anyway, I got him a cake(He wanted a rum cake. Seriously, this man must be an alcoholic.) And I got him one, only I accidentally sneezed on it when I was taking it to him, and I think some uh...stuff got through my respirator and onto the cake, but he ate it anyway. He ate the WHOLE thing too. Something bad happened too. He devoured the cake before I could sing to him, so I sang to him after he ate it all. I was singing Happy Birthday, but I accidentally said 'Pulpie' instead of 'Palpie' but I think he was too drunk to notice, because he didn't say anything. Also, when I was leaving the room, I saw him pull out a flask and I just KNOW there was brandy or rum or something in it.

Vadie

Dear Diary,

Well, I was right. Yesterday Palpie had a major hangover, which, of course, meant that I could do whatever I wanted. I commenced some drills among the troops, force choking anyone who did not obey. Unfortunately, this only happened to be two of them, so I had to go vent my anger on some of my officers. Thankfully, I was smart and I had backup officers to immediately take their places, and Palpatine won't expect a thing.

Darth Vadie-poo

Dear Diary,

Today was an excessively bad day. I woke up with a bad headache, so I went to drink some Corellian ale, but THAT didn't help any. Looking back on it, I see that it was an extremely stupid thing to do, and wish I hadn't done it, but I would NEVER let anyone know that I had made a mistake. I am much too proud for that. Let them think me perfect in every way, with the exception of being evil.

Soon to be the next Emperor

Dear Diary,

If you are wondering why my signature was what it was last time I wrote, then I will tell you why. It is because I think that Palpie is getting extremely ill. Fond as I am of the old man, I would be really ecstatic if he happened to die. I considered going into his room while he was sleeping and just lopping his head off, but then I thought that might look a tad suspicious. So I will just wait and see what happens.

VADER-PIE

Dear Diary,

Curse it! The Emperor has recovered from his bout of illness. Curse him again and again! He deserves to be murdered in the slowest way possible. Not that I would ever do it, no, of course not me. I am much too innocent for that.

Vay-dee

Dear Diary,

Today I found a PICKLE in my helmet. This means that somebody was in my room in the middle of the night, and saw me without my helmet on! I suspect those soldiers in one of those barracks downstairs. They have always hated me, and why they? I have always been very very nice and civil to them, and now a PICKLE in my helmet? I shall never concede to this. Every soldier down there shall have the pinkie finger of their left hand cut off by my lightsaber. I cannot do it today, however, as Palpie has some assignments for me, or something that he deems more important than my revenge. Meanwhile, I must put up with the stench of pickle.

A very ticked-off Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I made my revenge final! It was too tempting, however, and I ended up cutting off both of their pinkies. It is an almost completely useless finger anyway. I cannot believe how evil I am, to take such delight in the misery of others! But I do! And if I did not completely hate the word happy, would pronounce myself to be so. But no, I must choose to be evil instead.

Sadistically yours,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Well, today was simply miserable. I could not find any extra batteries for my computer like device which allows me access to all the cameras so I can see what all the people are up too. I simply LOVE to hear what they say about me, because then I have a perfectly valid excuse to punish them. But no, I could not find any, and, of course, I could not watch these amusing scenes in front of anyone else, lest I start laughing as I often do, because then they might suspect me to be partially good, and then, OH THE HORROR! It would be too terrible for words. So I lacked that amusement today.

However, I soon found another one, for I found the Emperor FLIRTING with some of the kitchen staff! It was perfectly hilarious and diverting. I will certainly try to catch some opportunities to see this in the future. It was, however, slightly disturbing to see my Master batting his eyelashes. I wish I could've had a tape of it, so I could blackmail him if I ever needed to. Oh well. I still know about his pink bunny rabbit that he sleeps with. Those days I had to spend in his room were most advantageous.

A very amused Vader

Dear Diary,

Today the Emperor suggested I get a haircut. I really think he is losing his mind. Perhaps Alzheimers, or something like that? I mean, I don't HAVE hair, and if I did have any left, I would most definately NOT be cutting it.

I almost told him that HE should get a face lift, but I didn't dare, as he has been moody lately, and he is still slightly more powerful than me. Not by much. ONLY BY A PINCH!

THE ONE AND ONLY DARTH VADER

Note to Self: Never ever ever ever ever remind yourself that you are slightly less powerful than Palpie. NEVER.

Dear Diary,

Today the Emperor made me get a portrait done of me. I most fervently disagreed, but then he forced me to, threatening to follow me everywhere and stop me from force choking people if I didn't.

The thing took FOREVER, though, and I wanted to get rid of the artist. He made me stand so STILL, and scarcely let me breath. And it was all in vain anyway, because the moment I saw it I burned it with force lightning.

Darn me, though, because I forgot to take off my gloves, and I completely ruined them. I am wearing my spares at the moment.

Vader, the white-handed menace.

P.S. That just boosted my self esteem up a notch. I love it when I do that for myself.

Dear Diary,

I decided today that nobody appreciates me. I mean, does no one care about all that I do around here? I admit, mostly I just kill people, but I am worth much more than that. Aren't I? I mean, SHE(I am NOT going to write her name) loved me, so I must be worth a whole lot?

Since I am in a bout of self pity I am sitting in my room, sulking and eating chocolates.

Vadie pie

P.S. I will also admit to you, diary, that I sucked my thumb for a while. I needed the comfort, okay?

Dear Diary,

After yesterday, everyone is complimenting me. I am very sick of it now. Today's lunch, however, was very good. It was my favorite: Mustard covered squash. Do not think it gross, for it is actually very good. And EVERYONE was eating it. I suspect they were pretending to like it, but no matter. The cooks never make my favorite dish. I have thought about force-choking them in the past but have never done it. If they don't make it again soon, they will force my hand and then I will have to kill them all. Just like with the Tusken Raiders.

AHHHHH! I JUST REALIZED WHAT I SAID! I CAN'T REMEMBER! NO! NO! NO MORE MEMORIES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Dear Diary,

I am very sorry for my outburst yesterday. It just so happened that I never finished writing because I rammed my head into the wall and I got knocked out. Now I have this HUGE bruise on my head, and my helmet has a very very large dent in it. I have another one though, so the old one is going in the trash. I can't wear my new one, though, because a place on my bald head(yes, I'm bald, and I know it, so don't rub it in) is so swollen the helmet will not fit over it. So I am stuck in my room today. I have amused myself by placing Duck, Duck, Goose, only I hate all of those animals, so I ceased playing that with myself almost as soon as I started. I then started making a list of everybody that I have force-choked. I can't come up with a number, however, because all of the clones and officers blend in after a while. But I have come up with about 500 in the past three months. That is very good for me, actually, because Palpie forced me to cut back after we started losing a lot of troops. That was when I first became Darth Vader(after the mask and everything) and I was very insecure about my new status, so I had to remind myself of how evil I was.

VERY EVILLY YOURS,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I got to remembering things again. Curse those memories! Anyway, I started thinking about the time I almost force choked HER...(I can't bring myself to write her name) and then I felt so bad I almost killed myself, but then I reminded myself that I was very evil and could overcome all of those good feelings that had started welling up inside me, so I went downstairs and forcechoked the people who looked at me. This number was astounding, because everyone looked at me when I entered the room, and so we lost a great deal. I think that the number(which happened to be 53) is the most people I have ever killed in one day. It did, however, assure me of my evilness and made me feel much better.

Vader

A/N: Well, there is the fourth part of this. I don't even know how long I am going to go on with this. Till I run out of ideas, I guess. I know that this wasn't as funny as some of the stuff I've written in previous chapters. Sorry!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: The long awaited update! Sorry it's been so long, don't throw tomatoes at me.

Disclaimer: Not mine not mine not mine.

**Chapter 5**

Dear Diary,

Well! I must admit to being quiet seriously miffed at the moment. That twerp! That stupid, mindless twerp! Well, he's dead now, anyway. I guess I better start at the beginning. You know that recently I took up a hobby, which happened to be tropical fish. So I went out and bought some, and put them in their tank and everything, and I fed them (I even named them, but right now I can't mention it, it's much too painful) and I simply DOTED on my fish. And one of those officers-I forget which one, they never stay for long so I don't bother learning their names- ATE my fish. Yes, he ATE them. With ASPARAGUS. He claimed it was a specialty on his planet and that everyone went around eating fish with asparagus. At least, if he HAD to have eaten them, he should have eaten them with a STRONG vegetable. Like carrots, or broccoli. Something strong, not wimpy ASPARAGUS! Strong vegetables! Like PUMPKIN. Wait, that's a fruit. When I rule the world, I shall make EVERYONE say that the pumpkin is a vegetable. Stupid seeds.

Vadey.

Dear Diary,

I am sorry I got so off track yesterday, but you know, I have ADD(Attention Deficit(Don't think I spelled that right but it doesn't matter because nobody will ever read this and I am going to rule the world anyway.) Disorder) and forgot to take my medicine. Well, I have quite recovered from the loss of my fish. It doesn't really matter anyway. Today I made cinnamon rolls. They were good. I ate them all myself and I DIDN'T SHARE! DARTH VADER DOES NOT SHARE! EVER!

Selfishly,

Vader.

Dear Diary,

Well, I'm quite bored today. I have nothing to do. No prisoners to kill, no hostages to torture, nothing FUN to do. So basically I sat alone in my room in the dark, reflecting on the PAST! I am still kicking myself over that. I mean, I KNOW BETTER! Maybe I'll go bug Palpie some...

Dear Diary,

Well, the "Emperor"(that sounds SO wimpy.) was not "available for an audience" so I'm back. Nothing to do. I could go bully some people, but I don't really feel like it.

Vader

Dear Diary!

Aha! AHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I figured it out! Yes! I was really depressed the day I wrote my last entry, and I figured out why! It was the anniversary of the day I almost died! And who would NOT be depressed on a day like that? Now I am rather perky, I must say, though still without anything to do. But I think I saw some prisoners being herded into the cells, so I'll go investigate that soon.

Darth Vader!

Dear Diary,

I am thinking about changing to another color. Black is so somber and boring, and, needless to say, does nothing for my figure.(Ha! Just kidding.) I was thinking a nice, dark chocolate brown. Yes? No? Maybe so? (OH MY GIDDYAUNT! I JUST RHYMED! GAG! GAG! GAG! GAG!) You are to forget that I ever wrote that. I NEVER WROTE IT! IT WAS THE...ALIENS! YES! IT WAS THE ALIENS!...Sorry. Got a little crazy there. I just finished reading 'The Creatures Out There' by Some Random Author, and I guess it's sticking with me. I might be insane. I think that is possible. I am mostly machine anyway. Sometimes I wonder what happened to my brain when I almost died... I mean, my hair DID burn off, so isn't it possible that I suffered brain damage? Or maybe they took my REAL brain out and put a robot brain in! Or maybe I am just paranoid.

Vader

Dear Diary,

It is very late at night and I can't sleep. Heartburn or insomnia or something. So I keep thinking about how I am doing nothing with my life. Every day I wake up, walk around, intimidate people, kill people(not EVERY day, I must admit) and that is pretty much it. Is there no purpose to life? Of course...if SHE were alive, I would have a REAL REASON to get up every morning...WAIT! I DIDN'T SAY/WRITE THAT! I DIDN'T EVEN THINK IT! The look of fear on their puny little faces is a PERFECTLY WONDERFULLY STUPENDOUS reason to get up in the morning. MWAH!

Vadie

Dear Diary,

I keep yawning, and it makes an very...interesting sound. Unfortunately, the fatigue that comes with the yawns has kept me sitting down nearly all day. With nothing to do. Just STARING at the wall like I'm insane or something. So after sitting and staring at nothingness for a while, I decided to come back here and write in you. But I don't have anything to write, so I better not waste my time. Back to the wall.

D. V.

Dear Diary,

I have decided to try my hand at short stories. I have nothing better to do. No hostages to interrogate/torture. Plus I'm getting rather tired of scaring those officers. I mean, once you've seen one look of terror, you've seen them all. But, here is my story. And this is my first attempt at it, so don't laugh. Wait...books can't laugh...ANYway...

**The Man Who Killed Them All**

**A Short Story **

**by**

**Darth Vader**

Well, to be honest, that is all I have so far. I'll come up with some more later, but that will make a stupendous title page, will it not? I can't really come up with a good plot at the moment...or a first sentence, for that matter.

Darth Vader, Author.

Dear Diary,

Okay, here is the beginning of my story:

**Once upon a time...**(Wait, wait. I don't like that saying. Let's start over.) **A long time ago, there was a boy. He was a good boy. He grew up and was very good and a nice child and did nice stuff like walk old ladies across the street. But when he grew up he decided that nice people are sappy and weak and disgusting and that he wanted to kill them all. So he gathered his minions**(Don't you LOVE that word? Minions. It sounds soooo...evil.)**and he bombed the universe after getting all the bad people out. The End.**

OK, so there might be a few technical glitches, but I think it is a simply MARVELOUS concept.

Vadee-poo.

Dear Diary,

Just so you know, I have forgone the color change. Besides, black is not a color, it is a SHADE. And shades are WAY cooler than colors. And since black is my favorite shade, I WOULD demand that EVERYONE wear black, only then I would no longer be unique. And we can't have that, now, can we? Because then we'll probably have a repeat of that episode where people started dressing like me..but they ARE dead...so...no, we'll leave the wimpy "colors" to the wimpy people and only let the STRONG, STURDY ones wear the 'shade'. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

After writing down my evil laugh in letters,(which looks strange, might I add) I decided to practice my evil laugh, but after about ten minutes I decided that only happy people laugh, and I absolutely detest that word and I am never happy, so I decided that I don't need an evil laugh. I will defy every single idea about villians and create my own niche. People wouldn't even know was a villian, except I wear all black and I go around killing people. I really SHOULD disguise that better. Must think on that one.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Bad news. I saw Palpie with his flask again. That probably means that he will be a bit tipsy this afternoon when we have our audience with Some Big Shot In The Military-Type Thing. Last time this happened, he started babbling incoherently about ponies and dolphins. Dolphins, you know, are just SOOOOOO superior to mankind(I, of course, think I am the most smartest...oh, wait, bad grammar or something...I think I am the smartest person in the entire world. I am, after all, evil. And evil adds a certain panache to intelligence.)

DARTH VADER

Dear Diary,

I was going through a dictionary today for absolutely no reason and I found a bunch of words. Auspicious was one of them, and I think that that is just a cool sounding word. Isn't it? I'm not quite sure what it means, because it is so hard to read through this shade thing on my mask/helmet, but it is a cool word.

Vadey

Dear Diary,

I can't believe I called a word COOL! I mean, how lame is that? I must be LOSING IT, I tell you, LOSING IT!

DV

Dear Diary,

What exactly is "it" anyway? My mind? And why are there so many words for "mind" anyway? There is mind, marbles, brains, sanity...well, that last one doesn't QUITE relate to what I am discussing, but...never mind. I am insane anyway. Otherwise I wouldn't see llamas in my dreams.

Vadiey(New spelling!)

A/N: This chapter was...well, I'm a bit disappointed in myself, I suppose. I thought taking a break from it would give me more ideas, but I don't think it has. I hope this one it okay!

**Reply to Reviewer(Only to one, since they asked a question...)**

**DarthGladiator45: **Well, the bionic replacements REPRESENT thumbs, they also resemble them, and it is possible to suck on a fake thumb.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Updating again! Whoo!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or Darth Vader.

**Chapter 6**

Dear Diary,

I have just discovered something. It is called the Empire, and yet there are Imperial soldiers. Why, pray tell, are they spelled differently? One with an E and one with an I? This is extremely puzzling. I'm still trying to decide whether or not to ask Palpatine about it...

Darthie

Dear Diary,

Well, asking Palpie was a VERY VERY bad idea. Turns out, he didn't KNOW they were spelled differently, and he got angry at me and threw something(I'm not sure what is was, I can barely see anything through this darn mask!) at me, and now I have a nasty bruise on my arm.

DV

Dear Diary,

I got into a very heated discussion today with one of the kitchen staff over a drink that they served to me. I insisted the glass was half empty, and the idiot employee insisted it was half full. Who was right? Me, of course. Especially since I killed him. Actually, that is the first person I have killed in about a week and a half. I was seeing how long I could go without it, and the craving kicked in and, well...He WAS arguing with me, when he KNOWS I am extremely powerful and he is a simply an employee.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

I was walking in the hallway today, and I passed by a room, and it smelled like a Bantha had been dead for a MONTH! So I very discreetly peeked in, and what did I see? Some officers slumped on the floor, so drunk that they had passed out. Of course, I still wasn't certain where the smell was coming from, but I didn't exactly want to go in and INVESTIGATE either. So I passed on by and let it go.

Vader

P.S. I shall have to talk to Palpie about his drinking habits, however. I fear he may be rubbing off on the officers.

Dear Diary,

Have just seen something very disturbing. Am feeling a bit...odd. I think I need to go lay down. And some insomnia tablets...

Vader

Dear Diary,

I apologize for not being clear yesterday. You see, I had gone to see Palpatine to talk to him about his influence on the officers, and I found him. Now, I've seen him tipsy before, but I've never seen him completely drunk until yesterday.

Yesterday, I walked into his room without knocking because I was in a bit of a stew over those officers. Well, he was in front of his mirror, his hood was down, and he was singing. And...uhhh...he was singing a song I've never heard before. "Somewhere, Over The Rainbow". And, it was NOT a pretty sight. I've never seen his ENTIRE face. And I've never heard him sing before, either. But, let me tell you, he CANNOT sing. I cannot even BEGIN to describe the horrible screeching! It was like metal on glass...

Darthie

Dear Diary,

My ears have quite recovered from that little episode yesterday...Today was very nondescript. I developed a very nasty headache, so I went to lay down in my room, and what did I find? PALPATINE, going through the drawers of my bedside table! How DARE he! I don't THINK he found you, Diary, at least I'm hoping...I think I heard him snickering as he left the room, however. I think he was tipsy again. I just keep reminding himself that I have WAY more dirt on him than he does on me. Especially because of that little episode last year...but I'll save that for another time.

With all my evilness,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Well, some of those storm troopers were acting up today, but I was feeling a bit sluggish so I didn't kill them. I don't know what is wrong with me! Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt tired and sick...Of course, I DID eat something rather strange last night...The cooks assured me that Palpie had not been experimenting again, but by the way it tasted, I believe differently. I cannot even begin to describe it...it was just a really odd combination, like green beans and horseradish. Only worse.

Darth Vadie

Dear Diary,

I am feeling ever so much better today. I still don't know what was wrong with me yesterday, but ah well. This morning, while I was cleaning my head(trust me, you sweat when you carry this two-ton helmet around) and I found a little patch of hair! I am so excited! And since I have this new growth of hair, I decided to order some hair tonic- _Corellian Hair Tonic-Ensures Fast Growth._ Hopefully it will help!

Excitedly,

Darth V.

Dear Diary,

Note to Self: Never use anything from Corellia.

Note to Self #2: Make Corellia the next planet you blow up.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Needless to say, The Corellian hair tonic did not work. In fact, it burned my poor bald head and singed the little bit of hair completely off. So I am completely bald again. However, at least I do not need as much plastic surgery as Palpie. I tell you, if he ever went down that road, it would take so many surgeries to get him looking semi-normal again...of course, even then he wouldn't look normal because he'd have scars.

You know, one thing we have in common is that neither of us has hair or eyebrows...though we are also completely evil. (Of course, I've suspected for some time that Palpatine is going soft...I saw him patting the head of one of the storm troopers once, just like you would pat a little boy's head. Of course, he might've been tipsy...)

DV

Dear Diary,

Where do I begin with todays events? When I woke up I was freezing, and after I bundled myself up I found out that the heater connected to my room had malfunctioned and that those idiot technicians couldn't fix it until next week. So I was moved to another small apartment and had to drag most of my stuff over there. Then I found out that I would be stuck in the little room for quite some time because they had to tear down an entire wall of my quarters to fix the heating problem. Breakfast was some sort of porridge, and it was burnt and goopy and altogether disgusting. And since my temporary room is in a completely different section than my old one, I spent the majority of the afternoon simply acquainting myself with my new surroundings. After a while I found the storm troopers practicing drills, and I killed a few of them for looking at me strangely...and yes, I can tell they are making faces at me behind their masks because I do it to Palpie all the time.

I missed lunch, roamed around till dinner, had a little talk with Palpie(okay, so it was mainly me rambling on while he sat there, snoring in his chair. Does that man ever sleep? Because whenever I am with him, it seems he is either yawning or sleeping or talking about sleep. Maybe sleep is the only subject of interest to him because he has a Past that he would rather forget as well...)

I finally went to bed later than usual and then tossed and turned for a few hours because my mattress was lumpy. So today was very very...unusual.

With eyes drooping,

Vadee

Dear Diary,

Today Palpie hunted me down and had a conversation with me. I had just been practicing a new lightsaber move that I had made up when he stormed into the room. Here is how the talk went:

Palpie: Vader!

Me: Yes?

Palpie: How dare you steal it! How dare you!

Me: Steal what?  
Palpie: Don't play dumb with me! (Here he slapped me, only I only felt a slight vibration through my mask, while he hopped around for a moment going 'Ow, ow, ow!' and shaking his hand in the air.)

Me: (Standing there in silence)

Palpie: You'll regret this!

At which point he stormed out. I simply called it one of his psychotic moments(he seems to be having more and more of those lately) and went on with my drills.

Sincerely,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

I was looking in a mirror today(I am finally back in my old room, and when they put up the new wall somebody put a mirror up on it. Will eventually hunt them down and kill them, but today I reflect...oh, that's funny! I reflect...and I'm talking about a mirror! Hehehe. I'm so clever.) Anyway, I was looking at myself(without my mask on) and I noticed that my skin looks even more ghostly white than normal. So I have decided to try one of those tanning lotion thingies. Will go find one now.

Vadi.

Dear Diary,

I am so disgusted. Oh, and I have recently blown up every single stand that sells _Mr. Tannie's Tanning Lotion. _My face is ORANGE! And so are my hands! Thank heavens I have a mask and gloves. But now the inside of my mask smells like that gross lotion, so I mainly stay in my room spraying air freshener. The funny thing is, I saw Palpatine pocket a bottle before I blew up the last stand...so we'll see how that goes, since he doesn't have a mask to cover it up...

Darthy


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Wars or Darth Vader.

**Chapter 7**

Dear Diary,

Turns out that whole escapade with the tanning lotion wasn't so bad after all. Sure, my face was orange for a week or so, but I got a good bit of amusement out of it. Palpie, you know, stole that bottle of it, and it turns out he rubbed it only his face. But since he has that really really sagging, wrinkly skin, it didn't get in all the cracks, so he was going around with an orange face with clear white streaks in it. It was hilarious, especially since he thinks mirrors are evil and he couldn't see himself.

DV

Dear Diary,

Today Palpie started rambling on about some woman named...well, I forget what he called her, but anyway...turns out Palpie has a rather romantic, though tragic, past. Unless he was making the whole thing up. It was amusing either way. Though if he was making it up, maybe I can finally prove that he is senile! Anyway, this woman left him at the altar. I can't help but wonder how on earth he conned her into the idea of marrying him anyway. I mean, the man is psychotic! And very ugly, too. Hey, I've seen pictures of him as a child; he hasn't gotten worse with old age.

D. Vady

Dear Diary,

I'm extremely bored today. Considered working more on that story I started, but I decided not to, as the idea made me shudder. So I'm a bad writer, who cares? No one but me will ever read this diary anyway. Besides, I can always Deny & Kill. That is a very popular tactic with me. First, when someone comes to you with some sort of evidence, you deny it, then kill whoever it is that is accusing you. Works every time.

Evilly,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I noticed that my vision was slightly blurry, so I didn't do much. Mainly I sat in my room, looking over old reports and things like that. I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with my sight...I couldn't be going blind, could I? That only happens to old people, right? I'm only in my fourties or something, though I look a lot older...No, I can't be going blind. I REFUSE to believe that...

DV

Dear Diary,

I was right! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not going blind! My mask was just dirty! I cleaned it last night before going to sleep, and this morning I wake up, and BAM, my eyesight is just as good as it was before. Neener neener neener. Ha! I'm just scaring myself. Well, must go talk with Palpie. He has 'summoned' me. Honestly, who uses that word anymore? I think he IS senile.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

The little chat session with Palpie did not go well. Not only was I struggling to keep from laughing at his face(which is still orange, though faded now.) and what he was saying, too. I think he was tipsy again. I mean, honestly, that man has a drinking problem! But here is mainly how the conversation went:

P: How are you today, Lord Vader?

Me: Well, my Master. (Oh, it gagged me SO MUCH to call him that. I almost threw up. Seriously, those words make me SICK!)

P: Good. And how are your duckies?

Me: Umm..(This is the point where I figured out he was tipsy. Again.)

P: And how's the wife and kids?

Me: Coughing, hacking away. Seriously! Did he HAVE to do that? He knew that...SHE...was dead. And if she had been with child...well...the child was dead too.

P: Are you getting a cold? Here, take some medicine.

He handed me the almost empty bottle of _Mr. Tannie's Tanning Lotion _and told me to drink some. Obviously, I refused. After this, he started babbling incoherently, so I left the room.

He used to actually be a really evil guy, with really evil plans. Now it seems he is slipping...which is excellent for me, because that means I can take his place very soon...

Sadistically,

VADER

Dear Diary,

I ate lobster for the first time today. I had never seen it before, but it was really good. It may now be my favorite food. Palpie gave it to me. I think he's trying to butter me up so that I'll do something for him...YEAH RIGHT. He's such an idiot to think that I'll go on whatever little errand he wants me to go on just because he gave me lobster. It was a nice gesture, however.

Vadie

Dear Diary,

Dropped Palpie a Thank You note today. He'll be ecstatic about that because he'll take it to mean I'm all "buttered up". Fool. I just LOVE to get people's hopes up and then CRUSH them. Ha. It's so fun. I'm so evil. Mwah.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I was right. Again. Palpie wanted me to go to some planet far away and retrieve something for him. Please! He's got enough numbskulls around here to be little pawns in his chess game of life. Hey, that sounded pretty good! I'm so clever. I refused, of course, and told him to find somebody else as politely as I could. In short, I screamed at him. Of course, he's a senile old goat, so all he did was stare at me. And it's not like he can really do anything to me, right? I mean, without me, he wouldn't have nearly so much power as he does, seeing as how he never does anything. I'm the one who has to do all the work, all the time. It gets annoying, but soon I will be in his position, and then I can boss even MORE people around. Life is good.

Darthy

Dear Diary,

Apparently Palpie decided to go on his little errand HIMSELF(Gasp!) so I am in charge. Yay. Have spent the morning following this one group of officers around, watching their every move, making them nervous. SO fun to see the fear on their faces. Yes. Anyway, I am currently sipping a margarita and sitting with my feet up, enjoying the spoils. And don't ask how I can sip a margarita through my mask. I just CAN. 'Cause I'm just cool that way.

Darthy V

Dear Diary,

Day 2 Being in Complete Control. Ah, life is SO good. Have I mentioned that lately? Turns out Palpie is going to be gone quite some time, so I really DO have the place to myself. I've gotten tired of following the officers around, so I went to the lower levels to watch some of the soldiers in the drills. Of course, that got boring after a while, so I went back upstairs and just moseyed along, listening to various conversations. That got boring too, so I finally just took a nap. Today was pretty much the same. I need someone to amuse me.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I have FOUND someone to amuse me! Yes! I have! But I'll tell you about it in the next entry, because at the moment I'm laughing too hard to write very well. He is so funny, I tell you!

Vadee

Dear Diary,

I refuse to write down any of what was said yesterday. The Amusing Guy is now dead.

Vader

P.S. I need a sign that says 'NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER insult Darth Vader'.

A/N: I had to rush this chapter a bit so it might not be as good as some previous ones..even I don't think it's as good as some previous ones. Sorry!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I cannot BELIEVE this story is so successful, or that I have carried it on so long. Thanks for all the reviews!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.

**Chapter 7**

**No, I lied.**

**Chapter 8**

Dear Diary,

Today Palpie started rambling on about some woman named...well, I forget what he called her, but anyway...turns out Palpie has a rather romantic, though tragic, past. Unless he was making the whole thing up. It was amusing either way. Though if he was making it up, maybe I can finally prove that he is senile! Anyway, this woman left him at the altar. I can't help but wonder how on earth he conned her into the idea of marrying him anyway. I mean, the man is psychotic! And very ugly, too. Hey, I've seen pictures of him as a child; he hasn't gotten worse with old age.

D. Vady

Dear Diary,

I'm extremely bored today. Considered working more on that story I started, but I decided not to, as the idea made me shudder. So I'm a bad writer, who cares? No one but me will ever read this diary anyway. Besides, I can always Deny & Kill. That is a very popular tactic with me. First, when someone comes to you with some sort of evidence, you deny it, then kill whoever it is that is accusing you. Works every time.

Evilly,

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I noticed that my vision was slightly blurry, so I didn't do much. Mainly I sat in my room, looking over old reports and things like that. I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with my sight...I couldn't be going blind, could I? That only happens to old people, right? I'm only in my fourties or something, though I look a lot older...No, I can't be going blind. I REFUSE to believe that...

DV

Dear Diary,

I was right! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm not going blind! My mask was just dirty! I cleaned it last night before going to sleep, and this morning I wake up, and BAM, my eyesight is just as good as it was before. Neener neener neener. Ha! I'm just scaring myself. Well, must go talk with Palpie. He has 'summoned' me. Honestly, who uses that word anymore? I think he IS senile.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

Alright, Palpie has lost it. Completely. He tried to KILL me! The moment I reached the little conference room where he was, he attacked me with force lightning! Then he started laughing in a very crazy manner! I escaped, but just barely. I don't feel safe any more, though I do feel more powerful. Though perhaps insane evil is more dangerous than sane evil...I wish I had the answer to that question, because if I knew the answer, I might go insane just to be more dangerous to people, though I personally think that sane evil is better. Are you following this? Probably not. Well, I need to go change. After he attacked me with force lightning he somehow got my lightsaber and tried to stab me with it. He charred my suit a bit, so I'll need to have it repaired.

Fearful for his life,

Vader

Dear Diary,

I've changed into my spare suit and my other one has gone to be cleaned. The more I think about what happened, the more I lean towards Palpie being extremely drunk, instead of crazy. Well, he IS insane, but drunk too. I think I remember detecting the smell of ale on his breath, but when someone is trying to kill you, you really don't think about that kind of thing. You know, I've read that drunk people have violent tendencies, and if they are insane AND drunk, they are probably ten times worse(though I did deduce that myself) I'm feeling much better about the entire ordeal, let me tell you. Oh! It's dinner time! I heard that there is supposed to be something semi-decent tonight.

Hungrily,

Vaydiee

Dear Diary,

Forget what I said about that food being 'semi-decent'. It was very...er...bland. In fact, I couldn't taste it at all. So unless my taste buds are going...which they aren't...it means the food was bland. Actually, that's an improvement, because it meant I could fill my stomach without gagging at the taste. I don't know who cooks our food,(I've killed so many cooks, I lost track) but they don't know HOW to cook anything good. Hmmm...maybe I can remedy that...no, I'm too tired to kill someone and then have to hire another person that I would end up killing anyway.

Darthy

Dear Diary,

It has been two days since I have written anything, and I will tell you why. The Emperor decided to have another 'Darth Vader Appreciation Day'(The second in one year!) and so we had a party. There was a HUGE punch fountain thingie, with really good punch in it. Unfortunately, Palpie being the alcoholic that he is, he had spiked the entire thing. So there were our officers and a few troops, drunk, singing, 'My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean'. I would have laughed, had I not also been singing it. I am very embarassed. I was ready to kill Palpie. The more I think about killing Palpie, the more I wonder why I haven't done it already...he's an old guy, he'd probably never feel it...YESSSS...I WILL DO IT!

Dear Diary,

After my quick decision to kill Palpie, I passed out. For no apparent reason. The health/doctor droid thing said it was from old age. Even though it was a machine, it died anyway. Do old people just pass out for no reason? I've never heard of that happening...EVER. But maybe it's just something I've never happened to come across? At any rate, at present I am being very careful, even when I am just walking somewhere, for fear of something happening to me. OH MY GOSH!...Okay, sorry. It was just a speck on my helmet. I'm going insane! I'm paranoid! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Vader, the Not-Insane Powerful Evil Individual

**A/N: I, personally, do not think this chapter was that good. So sorry! I've had no time, but I felt like I owed you guys an update, so I decided to just get one up, even if I wasn't that satisfied with it.**

**Replies to Reviewers:(I'm only doing it this one chapter because...I feel like it.)**

**M.J.L.S: Thanks! I am trying to keep it up.**

**Super Tinfoil Man Part 2: A new reviewer! Oh, I love it when I get new reviewers...Thanks for reviewing ALL the chapters. Not many people do that...Hope you like this chapter. Vader will find a friend sometime in this story, I hope.**

**maddmouse: Strange? Strange? Who/what is strange? OH, THIS STORY is strange. Okay. **

**Princess-Aiel: Good? Good nothing! It was GREAT! Ok, not really.**

**luke skywalkers gurl: I'm insane. That's how I come up with it. OH, and I eat lots and lots of sugar, then I sit on my rear for six hours until I grind out a chapter. Okay, not six hours. Maybe one. Or two. And if I work on something for two hours, it's usually because I can't figure out my plot. But I've never worked on one of these chapters for an hour. Sometimes they only take me a half-hour. Yeah. But you don't want to listen to my spiel. So I'll stop now.**


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Yes, finally another chapter...I've had a sudden lack of inspiration for most of my real stories...so I've been doing quite a few one-shots.

Disclaimer: I didn't own Star Wars when it was first created, so unless I suddenly acquired it(that would be cool!) I still don't own it.

**Chapter 9**

Dear Diary,

Well! I figured it out! I pass out when I have low blood sugar! Ha! To keep that from happening, I now carry around energy bars, and I eat something every hour. I will never pass out again! I'm afraid I might gain weight, by eating so much, but is gaining weight better or worse than passing out?

Vader

Dear Diary,

I am still going to kill Palpie. Eventually...but at the moment he's away on some trip or other...probably off to some tropical place somewhere... He always thinks he needs a tan, for some reason. But, hey, if he gets skin cancer, maybe I WON'T have to kill him! But I really WANT to be the one to kill him, so here's hoping he won't get skin cancer...not that you could really make his skin MORE ugly...Anyway...

Darthi V

Dear Diary,

It is very late at night. I can't sleep! Not at all! My stomach is aching, badly. I'm not quite sure what is the matter...but freaky things seem to have been going on lately. Today, I saw two storm troopers ramming their heads against the wall...

Darv(A rather interesting combination of my names...)

Dear Diary,

Today has been strange. So very strange. It seems the Emperor has returned, and he has made some "improvements" as he calls them, to the storm troopers' barracks. He has improved it by giving our soldiers 24/7 complimentary bar. In short, our troops can now get booze for free. I was immediately against it and strongly considered just killing Palpie right then and there, but I am biding my time. After all, it is revenge. For all those years of suffering, having to have less to control than he, knowing I was better the whole time. Being forced to make way for him...oh...when I think of all he has done to me, I could just wring his disgusting neck. But, I will have my time. Yes, my revenge will be wonderful! ... Oh, dear. I'm cackling again... I simply MUST fix that problem...

Revengefully(is that even a word?)

DARTH VADER (I simply love doing my name in all capital letters. It makes me feel more empowered than I already am.)

Dear Diary,

Well. The Adventure of the Booze continues. Not only were 99.9 of our storm troopers intoxicated today, they have also decided to start playing practical jokes on their commanding officers. Unfortunately, those commanding officers were also tipsy, as they have been sneaking into the bar themselves. The officers had also planned on playing practical jokes on THEIR commanding officers, who were also drunk... and it's quite obvious to see where this is leading. I couldn't help feeling that I was the only sober individual around today. Everybody was passed out, or running into things... I really must get rid of that bar. Although I am not against having a few drinks every once in a while to forget things, I am really getting sick of the smell of booze on everyone's breath(and, I simply must add, the smell of the contents of the purged stomachs of those that can't really hold their liquor). I will deal with it tomorrow. For now, I am going to go forget.

Vadeee

Dear Diary,

I admit, I am hung over, but just a bit. Not as bad as everyone else. I can still think and walk straight, which is the most important thing. But, since nearly everyone here is passed out, I have decided to get rid of the bar...

_Four hours later..._

Dear Diary,

Haha! The bar is gone! I am utterly and extremely glad, for I was getting so sick of seeing officers and troops drunk. And the kitchen staff... with all that cutlery... well, let's just suffice it to say that it was not very comfortable being around them when they are inebriated... Back to the main subject, it was actually fun destroying the bar, though I have discovered that liquor and lightsaber do NOT mix very well...there was an explosion at the end, and then I had to oversee the cleaning of the mess. When everyone sobers, I will simply have somebody tell them that the bar was meant to be temporary, and that they should not have assumed it would be there forever, or some such rubbish. Storm troopers(and most of the officers, I must admit) are so easy to lie to.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

I have begun planning how I shall kill Palpie. Is that bad? I don't like to use the word murder, as it is such an ugly word, you know. But I figure a quick swing of the lightsaber and he'll be dead. I don't like blood, which is probably why I love lightsabers so much. No blood, you know. Just burnt skin. Of course, I hate the smell of burning skin, but I like it better than blood, so the lightsaber truly is the best weapon. Ever. And anyone who says different is lying to you...

Vadiy

**Replies(Yeah, I decided to do them again...I don't know why...Probably because I do them on my other stories and it feels weird, not doing it on this one. And since it has become a habit, I'll probably keep doing them until the end of this story...)**

**DarthGladiator45: Cute? How dare you call it cute! I shall now sic a very evil, powerful Darth Vader on you... Just kidding, of course...**

**Super Tinfoil Man Part 2: Oh, yes, very funny... The Castle of Tinfoil? Is that in Nigeria? **

**Ani/Obi/Ami(From Chapter 1): How do I come up with it? I have no earthly idea... BTW, are you the Ami I know from school? Just answer yes or no if you ever see this reply to your review.**

**jardim1: Well, my goal in life(okay, not really) is to make people laugh and be happy, so I'm very glad that you enjoyed it.**

**Darth Ani: Erm... I don't know if I personally would ever call anything about Hayden whats-his-face "cute", but to each their own... Glad you are enjoying it.**

**Danakin Skywalker: Oh, I'll try to keep it up, but all my hilarity is being sucked up by the story, which is another reason it has been so long between updates. Lacking inspiration, etc etc etc...**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Another update! I seem to be on a roll update-wise... I've been updating (almost) all of my in-progress stories! Whoo!

Disclaimer: I wasn't even BORN when Star Wars was created, so it's pretty impossible that I own it, right?

Oh, and I hope that all my spelling is good in this chapter, because my spell-checker has disappeared from my computer somehow...

**Chapter 10**

**(Wow! It's actually lasted for 10 chapters and over 10000 words! Whoo!)**

Dear Diary,

I have to confess something. I got really angry today and went on another force-choking binge. It was very enjoyable. I haven't force-choked someone in ever so long. Maybe I should force-choke Palpie... no, no. Too easy. And, plus, he might use that scary lightning on me. I HATE lightning. I may hate it even more than I hate sand. Well, I don't know about that... do I hate anything more than sand? Is it _possible _for me to hate anything more than sand? Perish the thought. Well, I might hate Palpie more than I hate sand. I'll have to think that one over.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I went back and read through my entire diary. I am agog, I am _aghast _at some of the things I have written. And what I have called myself? Let's review... I have signed my name as the following:

THE Vader

Ani

Darth Vadie

Vadie!

Darth Ani

Vady

Vadie-pie

Darth Vader, The Devillishly Handsome Rogue King(I still LOVE that title!)

Darth Vadie-poo

VADER-PIE

Vay-dee

Vadee-poo

Vadey

Darthie

Vadee

Vadi

Darthy

And I can't write any more of them. Those are some of the worst, except for the Rogue King one. How could I disgrace my wonderfully evil-sounding name by doing this? I must have some sort of fascination with coming up with different spellings for nicknames for myself, or something. At least a lot of the time I signed 'DV' or 'Vader'.

DARTH VADER, POWERFUL EVIL INDIVIDUAL WHO DOES NOT SIGN HIS NAME AS WIMPY THINGS LIKE 'VADI'. NEVER!

Dear Diary,

Unfortunately, I was forced to talk with the Emperor today. Oh, gag me. He wasn't tipsy, at least. (For once...) He seemed uglier than the last time I saw him, if that is possible. It was a very un-interesting conversation, mainly sticking to neutral things like the weather and such. I was so tempted to go into a wonderful monologue about how I was going to kill him and take over all of his armies and everything, but I refrained. Soon, soon...

Vader

Dear Diary,

Feeling depressed today. I can't imagine why. I had a strange dream... which I can't really remember, but I'm sure it has something to do with how I am feeling today. Or maybe it is that cheese I had with breakfast. I thought it tasted a bit off..

Vadeiyy(NOOOOOOO! I DID NOT DO IT AGAIN! IT'S THE CHEESE! THE CHEEEEESSSSSSE!)

Dear Diary,

I'm feeling much better today. After I wrote in you yesterday, I went and stared at the wall for a solid hour. It was very relaxing, just staring at the black. Until, of course, I started seeing things. See, that happens to people when they stare at something that is just dark and black. I really can't remember what I saw, anyway.

VaDeR(That looks really stupid, doesn't it?)

Dear Diary,

The memories are coming back again! Curse the memories! KILL THE MEMORIES!

V

Dear Diary,

After my bout with memories yesterday, today I am feeling somewhat improved. Walked around looking menacing today. At several points during the day I stared at a few choice people. It's so fun to watch them realize I am staring and then get all scared! They go back to what they were doing, but they keep looking at me out of the corner of their eye. So fun!

Darth VADER

Dear Diary,

Have been contemplating changing the pronunciation of my name. Maybe 'Darth Vad-air' or 'Darth Vad-eer'. I do like that first one. It sounds rather elegant, does it not?

Darth Vad-air

Dear Diary,

Well! I am most definitely not changing how people pronounce my name! So many people hid laughs when I told them they must pronounce it 'Vad-air'. I had to kill about twenty individuals because they were spreading the joke around! Besides, (as I now realize) 'Vad-air' sounds really wimpy. So weak. Soo... French-sounding. Vader inspires fear. He does not eat snails.

Darth Vader, the Fear-Inspiring Menace (Ooh! I like that title!)

Dear Diary,

Had to fire the entire kitchen staff. They were serving-get this- peanut butter sandwiches on peanut butter-flavored bread, peanuts, peanut juice(whatever the heck that is) and peanut butter ice cream. And they KNOW I am allergic to peanuts! What are they trying to do, kill me?

Allergicly yours,

Vader

Dear Diary,

I haven't eaten anything all day, since I fired the kitchen staff yesterday. I'm so hungry! Well, I did eat some nutrition bar, but it tasted so odd that I threw it away after the first bite. I am, at present, about to go over and do a bunch of interviews. I hate interviews!

Vade

Dear Diary,

I saw a falling star today. I wished on it, naturally. I can't really remember what I wished for, though.

Vadyie

Dear Diary,

I have just realized that lately, I cannot remember much of anything. Does this mean I am getting old? Becoming chronologically challenged? Becoming... senile? No... no... it can't mean that... I'M NOT OLD! I'M YOUNG! I'M YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNGGGG!

Fairly-YOUNG Vader

Dear Diary,

Since my little outburst yesterday, I have become extremely paranoid. I don't want to die! Who does? Who really wants to die? Therefore, I have started exercising, eating right, and drinking these really nasty shakes that are supposedly good for you, but, honestly, they just make me want to empty my stomach, if you catch my drift.

Healthily,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I hired a health consultant. Very professional. That title sounds cool, doesn't it? 'Health consultant'? Anyway, I am now on a diet perfectly suited for me. I SHALL LIVE!

Vaderi

Dear Diary,

I realized today that with all the panic I have been going through about my health, I haven't had any chance to think about killing Palpie. None whatsoever. But, today, I am dedicating all my thought to it... I SHALL WIN! I SHALL WIN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DV

A/N: I think I might take a break from this for a while. I just can't seem to come up with anything good lately! I don't want to force myself to keep updating regularly and have the new chapters get worse and worse. Therefore, it might be a couple of weeks before I update this again. Hopefully, by then, I will have some ideas.

**Replies:(This is becoming a habit on ALL my stories. Oh well...)**

**DarthGladiator45: Tremble, shudder, hide under the carpet... any reason for Darth Vader to believe you are intimidated by him.**

**highonlollypops: Thank you.**

**someone: Good!**

**SithWorshiper: Cool? Only COOL! Well... I am insulted. So is Darth Vader. After all, his diary is extraordinary, stupendous, wonderful beyond comprehension. It is not "cool". Well, it is, but it is not JUST "cool".**


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: The last time I updated I said it might be a few weeks before I'd put up a new chapter. Here we are, five or six months later... my sincere apologies.

Apparently FF has banned doing review replies in stories, so I can't do that anymore... sorry, because I enjoyed it so much, though I don't know if any of you cared.

**Chapter 11**

Dear Diary,

I admit with shame that I haven't written in quite some time, and that it hasn't been because I have been working on my ultimately evil scheme to kill Palpie. It's because I have a new fascination, a new love(I'm Vader-I'm not supposed to love anything! I even hate myself!) and I am completely ashamed of it.

Basically, I've taken up writing again, but it's not short stories.

It's... poetry.

Yes, poetry. I, the evillest(is that even a word? I can't remember) man of any, have taken up the completely sissy habit of writing poems! Some of my first ones even RHYMED. And they were really pathetic. Like this:

Walking down the hall

Kicking a ball

Looking at the wall

Gonna kill them all

See? Isn't that just SO SAD? Except for the last line. I do like the last line.

But, I am going to give up this sad, sad hobby, because I am EVIL and POWERFUL, and NO ONE WILL TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!

You know, once I run out of pages in this journal I should burn it. In fact, I shouldn't wait to burn it. I should burn it now. Today. This instant. Maybe.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I haven't written a poem in 24 hours! Which is excellent. I haven't even thought up a stanza or anything in my head. Okay, that's a lie. But I haven't written anything down, and that's progress! You know, it's amazing how addictive writing poems can be. Seriously. It's like a drug, you start out hating it but then you get used to it and eventually you just can't stop! Only it doesn't ruin your mind or your body or anything.

Vady(Dang... I was going to STOP signing my name with silly little things like that, wasn't I?)

Dear Diary,

I really do think that eventually I'll be forced to burn this. I mean, it has all my deepest, darkest secrets in it. My innermost thoughts and feelings... what if someone got their hands on it?

DV

Dear Diary,

I GOT IT BACK! I GOT IT BACK! AND I KILLED THE LITTLE TWERP WHO STOLE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DV

Dear Diary,

In case you're wondering about yesterday's little outburst... you know how a couple of entries ago I was saying how awful it would be if somebody ever read this? Well... someone stole it. Yeah, they stole it. And it took me a while to hunt them down, torture them and eventually choke them, because that was what they deserved, but I still hate to think that he died knowing such secret stuff about me.

Darth Vader

Dear Diary,

I have decided that, to ensure that nobody but myself ever reads this ever again, I will keep it on my person at all times, and the only time I will NOT have it will be when it is in a vault. Now I just have to get a vault...

Vadi

Dear Diary,

Never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever buy a vault from Bob's Vaults and Malts.

Darth V

Dear Diary,

Sigh. Another day, another few officers and such dead by my hand. I'm getting so extremely bored. I have nothing to do. All I do all day is walk around, intimidate people, force-choke people, and write in this diary. Er... journal. I need something to DO.

Depressingly yours,

Vade-R

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure if I told you this, but I had to fire(kill) my health consultant. Wanna know why? HE WAS STEALING FROM ME! Okay, not really. I wish I had a good reason. He just... annoyed me one day, so I killed him. Not sure why I'm telling you this NOW, but... I dunno. I've just been thinking lately.

DVDR

Dear Diary,

I think the reason I spilled the beans about the dead health guy is because lately I've been thinking about all the people that I've killed, and how I basically had no good reason for killing them, except that I felt like it.

V

Dear Diary,

THE LAST TWO OR THREE ENTRIES NEVER HAPPENED! OKAY? OKAY.

I mean, WHY should I CARE if I have a good reason for killing people? I'm evil! I can do whatever I want! Hahaha! Now, off to the mini-bar!

Vader

Dear Diary,

After having a very nice pig-out yesterday at the mini-bar, I am feeling excessively wonderful today. Lately I have been feeling odd, I admit, and haven't been out of my room very much, but now I'm back in action! Haunting people with my breathing! Striding through the halls with my cape flowing behind me! Making faces at people from behind my mask! This is the life!

Darthy V

Dear Diary,

Had a run-in with Palpie today. Ugh. He was drunk, not just tispy, and was slurring his words so badly I couldn't understand a word he was saying. Not that I listen to him much anyway. I think he asked me to buy him a lamp, but I'm not sure. So I guess I'll just send out for one.

Vadyr

Dear Diary,

Well! That is the LAST time I ever do a favor for HIM! He THREW his lamp at me! And it put a dent in my helmet, which means I have to use my old not-shiny one until I get the dent repaired! I could just kill him right now!

VADER RULES!

Dear Diary,

You will not believe this. Palpie LOCKED me in my room! Like I'm some six-year-old boy that's done something naughty! He locked me in here and has posted GUARDS outside! Now, obviously, as powerful as I am, I could escape easily, but I think I'd rather sit here and stew about it. Let the anger build up, you know.

Darth Ani

Dear Diary,

Oh, NOW he's REALLY done it. He got me a THERAPIST. Can you believe that? Who does he think he is, walking in here, telling me, 'Vader, I've got you some help' and bringing in a puny balding THERAPIST who kept saying 'I understand' and 'How does that make you feel?'

This is pretty much how the conversation went:

Puny Therapist Guy(PTG for short): So, Vader, the Emperor tells me you've been having some anger problems. Do you want to talk about it?

Me: No. I want you to die.

PTG: Now, Vader, that's not a nice thing to say. How does it make you feel when you say things like that?

Me: Elated.

PTG: Do you want to talk about a place where you think this anger might come from?

Me: No.

PTG: Was your childhood happy?

Me: Will you shut up?

And so on and so forth. I jumped on him a couple of times but he somehow managed to get me off of him(still not sure how) and eventually Palpie had to come in and save him because I was force-choking him. I mean, I had to talk to this guy for an HOUR, and every time I was actually trying to be HONEST and tell him how I was REALLY feeling, he kept interrupting with 'I understand.' Right. He REALLY understands how wonderful it is to be powerful and evil and have the world at your fingertips.

I guess I'm more annoyed than anything.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I HATE PUNY THERAPISTS!!!!!!

Vader

Dear Diary,

Umm... sorry about yesterday's outburst. They brought the therapist back. Again. I killed him. End of story.

DV

Dear Diary,

I swear, the kitchen staff has something against me. I mean, how many times have I had to replace them? I don't even know! I've lost track! But again and again and again they either serve me something I'm allergic to, something they know I don't like, or something that they know I would never eat.

Today it was-I'm not kidding-oatmeal with mud and WORMS in it. And that was just breakfast. Lunch was some sort of pineapple and goat milk mush, and dinner... I can't even describe, though I think I detected the flavor of cod liver oil.

Who are these people, and why do they hate me? Maybe I should shake things up and be nice...no, never mind. I just almost had a heart attack at the thought. I'll think of something, though, to re-intimidate them. Just wait and see.

Vadir

A/N: Okay, so I think that pretty much sucked. What do YOU think? Be honest. You can tell me if you hate it.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Okaaay... to my shame, it's been... more than... umm... coughcough more than several months... I've THOUGHT about it but then I couldn't think of anything that wasn't crappy, and when I WOULD have good ideas I'd forget them before I could write them down or I would forget TO write them down, and then they were gone forever. So, yeah, sorry it's been a billion years. Hope that this isn't totally sucky and umm... horrific.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Darth Vader, blah blah blah. I own NOTHING.

Reply Reviews(cause I can't remember... anything.)

**Zelscar**: Good! Glad it made him laugh. I love to be spreading my joyful happy laughingness around... the world. Yes.

**Cowgirl4Christ**: Yep. Thank you!

**Ogreatrandom**: Thanks muchly!

**Elendelyne**: Thanks!

**Super Tinfoil Man Part 2: **I think we all write/have written uncaring poems such as his. But probably without such a deeply hidden sadistic meaning.

**StarVix**: I will remember that. I drink grape soda often. Cause it ROCKS!! Okay.

The (Obviously) Long Awaited

CHAPTER 12

Dear Diary,

I absolutely hate people. Which is probably known to.. the world. I hate REAL humans because I am not one, according to medical people everywhere, being as I am mostly half-ly machine. WHICH DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS!!!! BECAUSE I STILL HAVE A BRAIN AND EMOTIONS WHICH ARE VERY OFTEN WOUNDED!!!

Ahem. Sorry. That's not what I was trying to say, anyway. I hate people that treat me like I'm stupid.(Which actually has nothing to do with me being part machine. Even though machines are far superior. But I'm getting off track.) I hate people that cause me problems. In this case, the people who manufacture Pop-Tarts.

Pop-Tarts happen to be my absolute favorite breakfast treat of all time. They're fast, they're delicious, they're good for me-they're wonderful! And I was reading the instructions on the side of the box of Pop-Tarts so that I could prepare them. I hadn't had them in a while because I have to order them special, and my Official Pop-Tart orderer had ticked me off and... well... you can guess the rest. But I hadn't replaced him, and I've been busy, so I hadn't had a Pop-Tart in like... four months or something. So I forgot what you do with them. Which isn't SO bad, is it??? But the PROBLEM is that they stupidly made the instructions like really complicated. With several steps. Example: Step 1: remove Pop-Tart from pouch.

As if this is sooooooooo easy??? It took me twelve minutes.

So after I finally got the stupid Pop-Tarts out of their _pouch, _I had to hunt down the box, and seeing as how this helmet is really, really tinted, that took me another 8 minutes. Step 2: Insert pastry vertically into toaster.

Vertically??? It took me six more minutes to figure out which way was vertical. I was never the best Algebra student anyway.

And then this new toaster wasn't working, and when I finally figured out that the reason it wasn't working was because it wasn't plugged IN, I couldn't toast and eat them anyway because I was late for a meeting with Palpie, and he's been really moody lately(I'll explain later) so I didn't want to be late, seeing as how he could fry me with his force-lightning and everything.

So. Obviously, my day has been tragically bad thus far.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Now that I think about it, maybe Palpie could've toasted my Pop-Tarts with his force-lightning. Hmm...

VDR

Dear Diary,

So apparently Palpatine has been going to AA meetings. Actually, he only went to one(he killed everyone there. Poor alcoholics.) but he's been all depressed. I believe that it's because he's finally faced with the fact that he has a PROBLEM, but he denied that alllll the way and went to check out the mini-bar.

Vaderre

Dear Diary,

I don't know if you remember, but a while ago Palpie got me a therapist so I could work out my anger issues and whatever. And I killed him, obviously, because no one but you, diary, knows the deepest and darkest secrets of... my soul.

Well, apparently I'VE been "moody" lately, because Palpie got me ANOTHER therapist. Who looks JUST the one I eliminated. So... who knows what's happening here. I say it's a freaky mind game someone's trying to play with me. We'll see. We'll see.

INTIMIDATINGLY YOURS,

DARTH VADER TO THE MAX!!!

Dear Diary,

Well, I had a meeting with my new therapist, who I am referring to as Puny Therapist Guy 2. And here is how our conversation went...

PTG2: Palpatine has informed me of your anger issues. And I think-

Me: Well maybe he should've informed you of his alcohol issue. The issue isn't the alcohol, the issue is him.(I heard that line in a Lifetime movie. I found it fitting.)

PTG2: Well, we're not here to talk about Palpatine. We're here to talk about you.

Me: Well, you're wrong. I'M not here to talk about me. I am here to hear you talk about us being here to talk about me. Since that's what you're being paid for.

PTG2: Has your past been unhappy?

Me: Nope. Jolly good times.(Sarcastically, obviously.)

PTG2: Do you ever wish to go back and redo anything?

Me: Why on EARTH would I want to go back and redo all those jolly good times?

PTG2: Are you being sarcastic, Vader?

Me: Nooooooooooooooo.

PTG2: Well, I think you are.

Me: Well, I think you're stupid.

After I said that he just kinda stared for a couple of seconds, scribbled down some notes, and told me he'd see me next week. So, yay. I hate therapists.

Vader

Dear Diary,

He sent me a care package. I hate him.

VaDeR

Dear Diary,

He sent me a card. I hate him more.

ReDaV

Dear Diary,

My therapist keeps sending me 'encouraging gifts' with stupid little bears and other fluffy things on them. I hate him.

DV

Dear Diary,

I have no happiness.

DV

P.S. Or so I've been told.

Dear Diary,

I was watching some of the clones play baseball today. And I had a strange feeling in my chest/lung-ish area.

I think I might've had a heart attack.

Even though I'm not sure I have a heart. I think they might've replaced that one.

Darth V

Dear Diary,

I hate life. I hate machinery. I hate my therapist. He makes me think.

DV

Dear Diary,

THEY TRIED TO POISION ME BUT I FOILED THEIR PLOT!!! YESSSSSS!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

DV

Dear Diary,

Does anyone have a flute? Get someone to play the flute for me. And throw a violin in there too.

Vader, The Darth

Dear Diary,

HE'S MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND!!! Do you SEE the inconsistency and the randomness of my past few entries? It's terrible! I go into those meetings and I come out... _changed._ He... is scary... he has... powers. Strange, scary powers. I don't like him.

I should kill him. But I'm already trying to sorta kinda think about my plot to kill Palpie. So my brain is pretty much occupied. I don't know what to do! HELP Diary,

I hate weakness.

I hate being weak.

He makes me weak and screws with my brain!

He stares at my mask... and it's like he's looking into my _soul. _

DV

Dear Diary,

Okay, I'm back to normal. It's been about a week, I'm fine, I'm good. I've killed three people today.

Palpie killed my therapist for me. Which is strange. And it makes me think about putting off my plan to kill him for a while longer. Cause, you know, he was nice. And whatever. Anyway. I'm off to go wander the halls menacingly and ponder my problems(but not too much, cause thinking tires me.)

Darth Vadeirerererererererere(okay, sorry... that's a little much.)

A/N: I feel like this chapter succccks. Of course, in my past experience, chapters written out of guilt are never all that great. So yeah. Review, please!! Even if it's just to tell me it sucks.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Yay, the last chapter was not horribly bad(according to my... 2 reviewers.) So here we go. Apparently now that I've updated it I keep getting ideas. This chapter posted out of EXTREME AFFECTION FOR MY REVIEWERS(Haha, thanks Zelscar)

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.

Reviewer Replies:

Leah Day: Thank you!

Zelscar: Haha, if you thought that one was random, I guess you should just wait till you read this one...

Dear Diary,

I have begun having time trials to see how fast I can fix myself Pop-Tarts. This morning's time: 5 minutes 28.379 seconds.

I'll do better.

Oh yes.

Vader

Dear Diary,

In an attempt to make myself more educated and artsy and whatever,(okay, so it's actually because I need a new hobby... and distraction from the Pop-Tart issue.) I've begun listening to soundtracks to musicals. Les Miserables, Annie, Cats, Fiddler on the Roof, Sound of Music, High School Musical, you name it, I've heard it.

And I'm excited to say, I've been completely and utterly-oh, wait a minute. Someone is knocking at the door...

Dear Diary,

I apologize that I never finished yesterday's entry, a pesky officer came and told me that several people had complained of me singing 'The Start of Something New' earlier that day. _Apparently _my singing is not up to their STANDARDS. Well, I fixed them good, if you know what I mean. Anyway, as I was saying, I've been completely and utterly inSPIRed. And I've begun to... drumroll... write my own musical.

Oh, yes. And it's going to be amaaaaaazing. I'm suitably naming it 'Star Wars: The Musical' Starring, of course, myself, and some other pretty much insignificant people. I'm writing the story, lyrics and music alll myself. And some would say, but Vader, you have no experience in that area. How are you going to pull it off?

Well, one of my many secrets is, I have acted before. I've been in a musical. I played the role of Mutey, the mailman in my grade school's production of Oklahoma! So yes, I have plenty of experience. I didn't have any lines, but I did (sort of) hum along in the chorus.

This is gonna be AWESOME! I'll keep you updated on my progress, as I've been verrrrry busy.

Excitedly yours,

Vaderrr

Dear Diary,

Frustration is settling in.

I'm beginning to think that continuing those piano lessons would've been a good idea.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I FINISHED IT!!!

My first song, that is. It's the introduction and my first(but definitely not only) solo. Here it is(it doesn't have a title yet... hmm... how bout... VADER'S AWESOME SONG!!! Yesss!)

_Vader's Awesome Song_

_All alone today_

_And yet around so many people_

_I hate them all_

_I haaaaaate them alllllllll_

_They will all fall to my power_

_They will all be ruled by... ME!_

_(Hahahahahaha)_

_They'll be my puny minions until I need no minions at all_

_See that little person_

_Skipping down the street?_

_That was me before I knew who I was_

_Always powerful inside, unawaaaaaaare of the power_

_(Dancing chorus girls chanting)_

_Power, power_

_Powerful VADER_

_Power, power_

_Powerful VADER_

_Power, power_

_Powerful VADER_

_(Me again)_

_Oh yes, it's so true_

_The power is amazing_

_Amazing power_

_Amazing evil_

_It almost makes me happy_

_But happiness is against what I am_

_And yet I am happy_

_In my own sadistic WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY_

_(Chorus girls again)_

_Sadistic Vader_

_Powerful Vader_

_Evil Vader_

_Force-choker Vader_

_(Me again)_

_Who, you ask, is Vader?_

_(drumroll)_

_(Chorus girls stop and look around)_

_(Me)_

_Vader is..._

_MEEEEEEEEEEE!_

Isn't it brilliant? I somehow wish you weren't a book so that you could hear the music I have for it... it's BRILLIANT. I definitely think it could make it to Broadway.

Of course, so far that's all I have with a little bit of a script going on in my head, nothing official yet, just that song. But I love it. I've been humming it all day. Amazing.

Much-more-excitedly-than-before yours,

Darth Vader, composer and lyricist

Dear Diary,

I've been making some more progress on my play, but I've had to almost... dare I say it... abandon it for a while. Little pesky political matters, and something about the world ending. Is any of that really important when compared to my play? Absolutely not, but SOME individuals(coughPalpiecough) think it is.

I hate him.

VDR

Dear Diary,

Yet ANOTHER distraction from my musical.

It was my birthday last week(a fact I do NOT broadcast, and pretty much only Palpie knows, and I'm not even sure how he found out) and Palpie got me a present. Which, I guess, was a nice gesture except for the fact that I wish he would stop being nice to me since it makes me have a good reason to keep him around longer.

Anyway, as I said, Palpie got me a gift. And a card, actually. But the gift is the important thing.

He got me...a...

He got me a dog.

A dog.

Not even a big killer dog that will make people even more afraid of me since I have this huge gigantic killer dog next to me in addition to my scariness.

He got me a poodle.

Want to know WHY he got me a poodle?

Because poodles are hypoallergenic and apparently Palpie is allergic to dogs.

In addition to it being a poodle(and a WHITE poodle, of all colors) Palpie had already named it for me.

And the oh-so-brilliant name he came up with???

Poodly.

POODLY.

P-O-O-D-L-Y.

Poodly the Poodle.

If I were that dog, I would kill myself.

No-longer-excited

DV

Dear Diary,

Well, I've now added a dog as a character to my musical. Poodly the Poodle is actually not a terrible companion. He's rather... cuddly and loveable. Can't believe I just said that. Left a bad taste in my mouth... or rather... my hand... ahem... anyway.

Other than that, however, progress on my musical has all but halted, unfortunately. I was hoping to have it finished by next week, but as I said, political issues and such things.

Darth Vader and Poodly

Dear Diary,

Note To Self: Never entrust a poodle to an officer.

DV

A/N: Mutey the Mailman from Oklahoma! was taken from an episode of the Office, so I take no credit.

And Poodly the Poodle, was, I suppose, my own creation.

Anyway, tell me what you think of the chapter... I don't know if I like it.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I'm trying to get more reviewers... I miss the days when this story was popular! But that's what you get when you go on hiatus and disappear off the face of the planet, unfortunately.

Anyway, I am updating and it hasn't been a year! WHOOO!

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars. Clearly. Or else it never would've been a serious story. And Jar Jar Binks would've died a slow and painful death. Or never come into existence, take your pick.

**Reviewer Replies:(Thanks for reviewing, guys!)**

**Jedi Knight 13: Thank you! Glad you're enjoying it!  
**

**Zelscar: Thanks so much the long review! I'm glad you're liking it. Yes, for extreme affection for my readers. I do love my readers.**

**Ogreatrandom: No biggie, you reviewed, that's all that matters! **

**Leah Day: Thanks! Here is more!  
**

**StarofElendil: I did notice. And I'm glad. :)**

**Chapter 14**

Dear Diary,

I caught Palpie knitting today.

Knitting.

With knitting needles.

And yarn.

The great Emperor Palpatine. Was knitting. I just want us to be clear on that fact.

I'm rather shocked, and don't know what to say.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I am making some slight progress on my musical, though work on it has been forced to come to a halt because of some trifling matters with someone wanting to blow up a planet or something. How can they think of that when _I _have a musical to write? Simply horrible behavior. I mean, the artist and therefore the art needs to be the most important thing! COME ON!

A Very Vexed Vader

Dear Diary,

My poor poodle. I am very depressed at the moment, as is Poodly. You can tell by the way his tiny little tail doesn't really wag a lot anymore.

One of those moronic officers(who is now deceased) SHAVED him. He shaved all his lovely little white curls off. He looks like a rat. I love him still, but I had to buy a doggie sweater to keep him warm until his hair grows back. And the only one they had in the gift shop was bright pink and sparkly, so I'm afraid Poodly is having a bit of an identity crisis. So we have spent our time watching manly movies. You know, _The Bourne Supremacy, Men In Black_(I love black.) And such other manly movies. That make us feel manly.

DV

Dear Diary,

Poodly has peach fuzz! And now that he is a little less depressed I have resumed work on my musical. Oh, and that insignificant political matter about the planet has been resolved. It got blown up. Good riddance. It was distracting me.

I have hired some musicians, and threatened them with death if they dared tell anybody about my little production. They are writing an overture at the moment and I am trying to finish the lyrics for my second solo, which is in the third scene. It starts out all slow and deep and then gets really fast... Here it is so far...

_Second Solo of Vader_

_AKA_

_Soul Searching_

_Sometimes I wondeerrrrrr_

_Who I aaaaam_

_But then I remember_

_I'm VADER_

_Sometimes I look at myself_

_And wonder who is behind the mask_

_But then I remember_

_It's VADER_

_But is that who I was meant to be_

_There used to be a little boy inside of me_

_But I don't care_

_No I don't care!!_

_I'm Vader_

_Vader_

_Vader_

_Vader_

_Say my name: It's Vader!_

_Bewaaaaaaare_

_Bewaaaaare _

_Bewaaare _

_Beware._

_Of._

_Vader!!!_

_Vader will find you_

_Vader will get you_

_Vader will hunt you down!  
And do you know who Vader is..._

_Vader is... ME!_

I suppose I could leave it that way... It kind of ends the same way as the first one, but I'm thinking I should end all my solos that way so that there is a common thread in the musical, besides it being completely about me. And Poodly, of course. I'm training him to dance, as best a little depressed poodle can, anyway.

But I'm thinking the song needs to be longer... it's a little bit short for a solo, right? And I don't know if it communicates my evil nature clearly enough... I think it's too much about my... soul. Hmm... I'll work on it.

Vader, Awesomest Lyricist.

Dear Diary,

Today I watched _Music and Lyrics _to get inspiration, since it's about writing a song. And love, ugh, but I fast-forwarded through those parts. Worthless love.

Except for friendship-ish love, which is what I have for Poodly. I love Poodly. He is a very good poodle. Unfortunately I have had to begin leaving him behind when I stalk menacingly around, because he rather takes away from my menacing-ness. Maybe I should dye him black...

Thoughtfully,

Vader

Dear Diary,

Note To Self: Annihilate Pop-Tarts. Destroy every trace of them from the universe. Do this immediately.

DV

Dear Diary,

Poodly and I have been alone in my room all day. I'm working on dance routines. My legs are very tired from all the high-kicks.

Wearily,

AWESOME Vader, who is an AWESOME but tired choreographer.

Dear Diary,

My plan to rid the world of Pop-Tarts has failed. Apparently they are not made of organic materials and will therefore survive the end of the world, just like diapers and cockroaches. I was utterly disappointed when I discovered this. Especially since I've eaten so many of them in the past...

Vadee

Dear Diary,

I'm taking a break from the song-writing. And the choreographing. Both are very exhausting.

I have now moved on to the script. Because what is a good musical without a good script? I have been brainstorming all morning.

This is what I've written so far.

**ACT ONE**

**SCENE ONE : DEATH STAR**

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: I HATE VADER. HE THINKS HE'S SO GREAT, WITH HIS BLACK CAPE.

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #2: I KIND OF LIKE HIS CAPE.

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: IT'S WEIRD.

(LOUD AND ECHOING FOOTSTEPS)

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: RUN! HE'S COMING!

OTHER PEOPLE: (SCREAMING AND RUNNING AROUND, PANICKED)

VADER ENTERS STAGE LEFT

And now I'm stuck. I can't figure out what my first line should be. So I be all condescending and terrifying? Should I be casual? Should I act like I didn't hear them talking about me? Should I force-choke one of them on the spot? I just can't figure it out!

Vader

Dear Diary,

Writer's block sucks.

I went and force-choked someone to try and gain inspiration from their reaction, but it didn't work.

Vadie

A/N: Eh, I dunno... shrug. Review. Tell me if it sucks. I think there are a few funny parts. And that is all.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: So I'm not the most faithful updater but I'm trying to get better...

**Reviewer Replies:**

**Jedi Knight 13: **Well, that is part of the humor that I am attempting... because I try in every way to make Vader appear the complete opposite of what he is. :)

**DVardonir:** Doesn't matter if you're new! New is great! Glad you're enjoying it.

**Ogreatrandom**: Soon...ish?

**Super Tinfoil Man Part II: **Yeaaah I know it took me a long while to get back on this. Does the inspiration have to be painful? I'd prefer unpainful inspiration... yes.

**Zelscar:** Haha thanks for the advice. Just might use that.

**GuesssWho:** Glad you're enjoying it!

**Chapter 15**

Dear Diary,

Still having some slight writer's block. I've been in my room for nearly a week now, just trying to sort out the first part of the script. And I haven't really gotten anywhere, though I have discovered that my closet door squeaks. I tried to fix it but then the hinge broke somehow, so I've just left it. Poodly likes to sleep in there, because I put his doggie bed on the floor in there.

VDR

Dear Diary,

**ACT ONE**

**SCENE ONE : DEATH STAR**

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: I HATE VADER. HE THINKS HE'S SO GREAT, WITH HIS BLACK CAPE.

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #2: I KIND OF LIKE HIS CAPE.

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: IT'S WEIRD.

(LOUD AND ECHOING FOOTSTEPS)

PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICER #1: RUN! HE'S COMING!

OTHER PEOPLE: (SCREAMING AND RUNNING AROUND, PANICKED)

VADER ENTERS STAGE LEFT

VADER: (STARES EVILLY AT THE PUNY, SKIMPY AND SPINELESS OFFICERS WHILE TAPPING HIS BLACK GLOVED FINGER AGAINST HIS BLACK MASK IN AN INTIMIDATING WAY)

I have practiced that move all this morning, and I have it down perfectly. I did it in front of Poodly and he got scared and ran into the closet, and then I felt really bad and I went and cuddled with him some and gave him a treat.

Vader

Dear Diary,

Today I was thinking that maybe I should shorten my name. I love the Darth part, but maybe Vader is too... long? I don't know. What about Darth Vade? I think that could work extremely well. And it would show my rebellion against Palpie, because he named me Vader anyway.

Darth Vade

Dear Diary,

Darth Vade strikes again!

Okay, I didn't really do anything, I just felt like writing it because it looks so cool.

DV

Dear Diary,

I have an entire notebook filled with possible lines for me to utter menacingly throughout my musical. I now just have to plug them into places where they will fit wonderfully with the plotline and songs.

My basic plot is this: Palpie is an idiotic moron and the worst leader ever, so I make plans to destroy him and take over. Then, once that is done, I become the best evil Lord ever.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

After watching _Tootsie, _I have the most brilliant idea ever.

In my musical, where I had planned to 'kill' Palpie off... I am actually going to kill him. And all the rest that happens will be REAL! I will REALLY be taking control!!!

It's brilliant.

It's incredible.

It's fool-proof.

Now I just have to finish my musical.

The Vade.

Dear Diary,

Apologies for not writing for two weeks. I have been working feverishly on my musical. The script is halfway completed. The few people who have read it have told me it is horrible. You can guess what happened to them. Not all of the songs are finished either, but most of the choreography is and some of the officers and clones are in rehearsals now. I admit I am getting incredibly excited though it is likely that it will be another month complete before everything is ready.

I've waited this long. I can wait a bit longer.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

Lately I have had what seems to be turning into an unhealthy obsession with cheese. I have been eating all sorts of cheese nearly nonstop during my musical-writing weeks, and I think I've been packing on the pounds because my clothes are fitting tighter and when I look in the mirror(even with the slimming black) I'm looking more chunky.

But I just love cheese! And it has milk in it! Milk is good for you, right? Right. You need milk, which has calcium, or else your bones will be weak. So. Cheese is perfectly healthy.

Vade, Darth.

Dear Diary,

Palpie sucks.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

I wish Palpie were dead.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

Palpie is the worst thing since brussel sprouts.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

Palpie should die an incredibly slow and painful death, be brought back to life and killed again.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

I am going to cut holes in his sheets.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

I am going to hire someone to flush the toilet every time he's in the shower.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

I am going to take away his vodka.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

I am going to blow up his room. Except that won't work. Because it's near mind. Darn.

Vade.

Dear Diary,

Okay, I will now explain all my above comments on Palpie's suckiness.

He's completely stolen my thunder!! My musical was nearing completion, rehearsals were in full swing, and what does he go and do?

Well... he... I'll just tape it in here. I found this flyer had been slipped under my door when I woke up this morning:

**The Great Emperor Palpatine**

**In Association With Wonderfly Productions**

**Presents**

_**"The Musical of Star Wars"**_

_**A Musical Presentation**_

_**Exciting!**_

_**Riveting!**_

_**Incredible!**_

_**"The Best Thing In The Galaxy, By Far."**_

_**Rated 101 Stars!**_

_**"Palpatine Sparkles On Stage!"**_

Isn't that just the most ridiculous thing ever?????? HE TOTALLY STOLE MY IDEA!!! Rated 101 stars?????? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!! And Wonderfly Productions is NOT EVEN A REAL THING!! HE MUST'VE MADE IT UP IN SOME MOMENT OF DEMENTIA!!!!

Utterly miffed/annoyed/infuriated hater of Palpatine,

DV

A/N: Random. Disjointed. Pointless.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: MONKIES! Monkeys? Whatever. Okay, so it's been 9 months. Sorry.... Life, school, randomness? Umm... I really don't have a good excuse this time. I'm just lazy. So, I'm sorry, and here is a chapter that will hopefully be long so that you guys won't um... throw pickles at me. That would be gross.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own Darth Vader, though as of today I DO own a Darth Vader action figure thing, but I won't have that for very long because it's a present for someone. So.

**Reviewer Replies**: With comments by _Darth Vader_

**Leah Day:** Oh, Palpie is pretty much harmless anyway. Well, he's a little scary sometimes.

_Oh, yeah, he's harmless. He's just a harmless old guy, RIGHT? Whatever!! He has you all FOOLED!!! He's only harmless when he's HAMMERED! Wait... that's not right..._

**Ogreatrandom:** Oh, yes it is random.... there would be no point to this story if it wasn't random...

_She's just saying that because she's too lazy to come up with a real plot line. _Well that's rude. AND not true. _Is too. _Is not. _Is too. _Is NOT!_IS TOO OR I WILL KILL YOU!!_More anger management needed? I can always bring the therapist back..._ No... No not him! ANYONE BUT HIM!_

**VRDNR - Tarvos:** Haha thank you. Cheese IS great for you.

_Cheese gives me gas. And I think I'm lactose intolerant. So thanks for making me eat something that could pretty much kill me. _You're welcome.

**Rivan Warrioress**: Yes it IS pintless isn't it? It is indeed lacking a pint. Haha, sorry, I love typos. :) Vade IS into the production very much.... he's really into theater. I always knew he had a flare for drama. What with the cape and everything. _Are you insinuating that I am effeminate? Because that cape is VERY VERY MANLY!!! And that wasn't a politically correct statement at all.... _Shut up.

**StarVix**: Why thank you! Poodly the Poodle was the result of, probably, a really random thought about horrible poodle names. I can't remember really... I like Pop Tarts, personally... I mean, they are disgusting, and yet they are good, so weird... Not so much a fan of caramels.. at ALL. _How do YOU pronounce caramel? Do you pronounce it care-a-mell? Or kar-mel? Hmm? _Umm, I guess the second one. _WELL THEN YOU'RE DUMB!! BECAUSE THERE IS AN 'A' THERE FOR A REASON! CARE-A-MELL! CARE-A-MELL!! _YOU'RE dumb.

**Zelscar: **Yeah, I can't really remember the cheese part or why I put it in there... but... anyway... Yeah, his thunder is gone. And he never was good at the lightning thing... _PALPIE NEVER TOLD ME THE SECRETS ABOUT THE LIGHTNING FINGERS!! HE NEVER TOLD ME AND I'M STILL ANGRY ABOUT IT!_I can tell you're very upset about your inability to practice the lightning fingers thing. I might make you do it sometime. _Really?_Hmm... probably not. _Dang. I hate you. _I know.

**Blackworth**: Yay! So you've been with us the whole ride! That's awesome. Thank you. I've never really thought of his cape as sexy bu-_I'll take over from here. Go type something. So, you find my cape sexy, do you? I always felt that way about it myself you know... I mean, I DO look very attractive in it... So, what's your name?_You disgust me.

**Chapter 16**

Dear Diary,

Palpie has CROSSED THE LINE! He has gone too far this time.

Far too far.

Far too far over the line that separates him from me.

He has forbidden me... yes, FORBIDDEN me, from putting on my play at all. And when I told him that he couldn't do that, because he wasn't like, my parent or anything, he told me that HE WAS MY FATHER!!!!

And then I was like wait, that's my line.... because I say that to the-son-that-shall-not-be-named, and he looked at me weirdly, and was like, oh, right. But then he showed me this contract that he tricked me into signing at some unknown date (I think it was a couple months ago... he told me he was signing over POWER to me. Darn old man.) and there was a clause at the bottom stating that he could forbid me from actions that would fit into the following categories:

A. Removing my helmet in front of a group of 100+ soldiers with at least 2 officers in attendance (As if I would... what kind of idiot does he think I am??)

B. Preparing more than two packets of Maple and Brown Sugar oatmeal in the same day (What kind of freak is he?)

C. Painting myself green

D. Wearing any type of scarf that is pink, neon yellow or varying shades of cranberry red.

E. Buying B batteries (They don't even MAKE B batteries. Doesn't he know ANYTHING?)

F. Watching the Disney Channel (I've always WONDERED why I could never access that channel....darn Palpie)

G. Owning a goldfish that resides in a bowl larger than 9" in diameter

H. Attending a circus

Anyway, he went through the entire alphabet TWICE (AA, BB, CC, etc) with all of these ridiculous circumstances/actions that no sane person would even THINK of, until we get to ZZ.

ZZ. Participating/organizing/designing/writing/composing any concept/part/set/costume/script/music of any type of theatrical production including musicals/plays/ballets.

Farewell to my musical.

I hate Palpie.

And Poodly needs a bath.

DV

Dear Diary,

Since I cannot continue with my musical, I have found a new hobby. Model cars. Which, I think, is very very manly. Am I right? I think so. I kind of failed at the first six that I attempted. Those little parts are so TINY and it's so difficult to grip them when I have to wear my gloves.

Oh NOOOOOOOO!

Dear Diary,

I apologize for the abrupt ending of my last entry, but Poodly had just eaten a small piece of one of the model cars that I did not finish (I think it was a hub cap) and he was choking. I used the Force to navigate it out of his throat.

I think it's the only time in several decades that I have used my powers for good instead of evil.

I feel very secure and not-evil right now.

I think I'm going to go choke somebody.

The evil-to-the-core Vader

Dear Diary,

I am still evil.

Very evil.

Oh so very evil.

But I have a confession.

I picked something up for somebody today.

I did a GOOD DEED!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

After I realized what I had done, I pretended that I had only picked it up so I could throw it far away(which I did. It hit someone in the head and I winced. I WINCED!! Because I was SORRY I HAD HIT THEM!!!!) But it was my intention to hand it to them....

I am very scared about losing my evil nature. It's all I've known... for so long... and I'm afraid of this unknown good-behavior territory.

I need to choke something.

THE UNDENIABLY EVIL VADER WHO IS SO EVIL HE COULD'VE BEEN THE ORIGIN OF EVIL OR THE CHILD OF EVIL AND HIS HEART IS BLACK AND DRIPS EVIL BECAUSE HE IS SO EVIL

Dear Diary,

Poodly and I took a long walk today. I had evil thoughts and ate toast.

It was a good day.

Vade

Dear Diary,

I think I'm gaining weight. Probably because I've been binging on Cheetos, because of this good instinct problem I've been having. I thought I looked a bit chunky when I looked in the mirror yesterday... and the tips of my gloves are STAINED ORANGE!!

Darn Cheetos.

V

Dear Diary,

Palpie tripped me today.

I think it was intentional.

My helmet is dented because I hit the wall.

Darn Palpie.

V

Dear Diary,

I think Palpie was completely lying about his musical... he was bluffing. There's not going to be a production. I know this, because I heard him whispering about the 'fake musical' to the WALL today. Yes, he was talking to the wall. And he was drinking again.

I hate him. So much hate. I hate him so much I could.... not hate him more if I tried.

But I will try anyway.

Hatefully yours,

Vader

Dear Diary,

I have nothing to say.

Vader

Dear Diary,

I think Palpie is trying to poison me. Again. Or maybe not again... I can't remember if he's ever tried to poison me... OH CRAP!! Am I becoming senile?? AM I LOSING MY MEMORIES???? Wait, what's my name? I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME!!

This is going to be problematic.... Umm... I guess I'll come up with a new one? The Black... Umm.. Caped Man. The Black Caped Man? Sexy Cape Man? Flowy Cape Man?

SEXY CAPE MAN

Dear Diary,

Well, I feel absolutely ridiculous. I found out why I forgot my name yesterday. Palpie slipped me a dose of some drug he takes. It's a MEMORY FORGETTING DRUG! He takes it every day. Which explains a lot... like why he's been calling me Janet lately...

Anyway, I know my name now. Though I do rather like 'Sexy Cape Man'.... has a bit of a ring to it, doesn't it?

Darth Vader, the Sexy Cape Man (I do like the look of that)

A/N: That's it for now! Mostly because it's past midnight and I'm exhausted. Guess I shouldn't have started writing this chapter late at night, cause I should've known I would want to finish it. Anyway, hope you guys like this! 'Sexy Cape Man' is an idea I got from Blackworth. So thanks. :) Review!!


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